When is it okay to open up to your woman?
- Thread starter 5th Letter
- Start date
See this is what I am talking about.
A woman demanding emotional communication is like a bank robber demanding money.
Men say, "I am not gonna open up because it's used against me."
Lol but men are opening up about why they don't open up.
Then here's women, "Well I got cheated on, would it be fair to consider all men cheaters. You have to do better. You not a boy no more."
Prime example why men don't say shit about their feelings.
We not talking about cheating or individual people.
We are talking about women not having to take into account men's deep seated emotions and experiences due to how human mating and dating is arranged. And how males are subscribe a role.
Point is, most women do not have the skills to accomodate a man's emotions because they don't have the practice and it's something that culturally women in romantic relationships don't have to do.
A man ain't opening up is because he knows women ain't good handling a man's emotions in the context of romance.
It's kinda like how men used to not have to take into account whether his wife wanted to have sex or not because sex between husband and wife was a duty.
Man provides for the household, he wants booty. Men have changed since then.
Women have a man, she wants stoicism and stability. Women still think like this.
Elzo69Renaissance
Didnt you hear about the last nigga who swung @ me
Tell ur chick u killed a nigga years ago
She even thinks u cheating the cops knocking on ur door
She even thinks u cheating the cops knocking on ur door
Tayboo
There she go🥰
Why would anyone ask for thousands of dollars 2 months into dating...that's mighty bold.
My point was not about the cheating. It's about letting past bad experiences effect your future or present relationship. You want any future partner to just deal with a lack of open communication, which vital for a healthy relationship, because you dated someone 20 years ago who threw a vulnerable moment in your face. How is that fair to your current partner??
I'm not saying i don't understand. I'm a very guarded person too. But to my lady, I don't see the point in being that guarded with her. I mean if I feel like she's the type to even do that she's never becoming my lady to begin with. Of course you can never be 100% certain but there's certain risk you take in relationships and being vulnerable is one of them
I have the reverse question, why people get with people and believe that they'll never come a time when that person will be against you.
A man's weariness isn't just about women, it's about the world and the expectations about being a man and the burden that comes with it.
So yeah, unless the woman has proven herself time and time again that she is willing to do the same for him as he does for her, that she is capable of doing that, he should be wary of revealing all of himself.
A man revealing himself to a woman is gift to be earned.
Side chicks already thought I wasn't shit because I was out there so I didn't care lol.
But my main woman, hell naw I wasn't telling her I gambled my last dollar on the Bills winning the Superbowl.
mryounggun
OG
You said 'because I've been cheated on'. Who knows what that means, in terms of frequency. That statement could mean you have 9 relationships in your life and were cheated on one time. Or it could mean you have had 3 relationships and have been cheated on 3 times. Or it could mean you've had 20 relationships and been cheated on 12 times.
He said '...if EVERYTIME you stuck your hand in the fire, it got burned'.
What you said and what he said are two very different things.
Making a determination based on something happening to you 10% of the time is different than making a determination based on something happening to you 35% of the time, which is different than making a determination based on something happening to you 100% of the time.
Again, I still disagree with where he lands with it, but we can't act like him acting on being shit on 100% of the time is the same as someone acting on being shit on every now and then.
konceptjones
The one between three and three.
Except open communication and being vulnerable with her ain't even the same thing, don't mix that up 'cause your man could have open communication but still have things he doesn't want to talk about. If you can't respect that as one of his boundaries why should he ever respect any of yours?
The Lonious Monk
Celestial Souljah
It's not really about believing there is never a time a person will be against you. Anytime you form any kind of close relationship with anyone, you're running the risk that it could go bad and bring problems to your life. We all just accept that risk because connections to other people typically bring more positive benefits to our lives. If you're going to go into a relationship treating it as if it's going to eventually go bad, you might as well not even try because that's a losing mentality.
I will say this though. For a long time, people were disposable to me. They come and go from my life with very little care from me, but not once have I ever had some come and try to take me down or hurt me in some way. Why not? I try to be a person of character and I screen who I deal with. I don't fuck people over, so people never feel the need to try and fuck me over. I also don't deal with people that live on drama, so I never have to worry about over-the-top antics like that. If you feel you need to protect yourself from that kinda bullshit, there's a good chance you're at least partially responsible for why you have to deal with stuff like that.
I do think there should be a distinction made between knowing you can talk to/open up to someone and choosing not to. If you know you can but choose not to that's one thing. If you truly feel you can't out of a fear of something being used against you that's definitely a problem.
Edit: Neither is usually good if done consistently but they do have different motivating factors.
Edit: Neither is usually good if done consistently but they do have different motivating factors.
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Tayboo
There she go🥰
His initial response was the bolded. You see that word FEW...hence my question about his logic.
konceptjones
The one between three and three.
If I had 20 relationships, but opened up with only, say, 5 of them and all 5 of them used it against me at some point then that's still 100% of the time.
What do you mean how is it fair?
I never expected my girlfriends to do anything.
If I didn't want to do something it is my prerogative and the same with her.
Now if someone promises me something that's different.
If I never said I'll be vulnerable why should someone expect it. I don't expect it.
Lol, see this whole demand for men to open and vulnerable, yet there's no cultural and societal infrastructure for men to be open and vulnerable is a trap.
It's just another demand or a list of things to do. It's due to this culture of therapy and transparency we have created. It's not because we want men to actually be vulnerable.
Emotional vulnerability is something that is given when there's a level of stability and sturdiness within a relationship. Or it is used to gain trust.
I ain't gonna talk about the time I was homeless, or strung out or what pisses me off, if there is no trust to be gained and if the relationship doesn't require it.
Like if a man is out here, financially secure, making moves, wife happy, kids happy, what is there to say? He ain't gonna fuck up his image in the eyes of his wife by complaining about some shit that don't matter.
And if it is the opposite situation, what the hell his wife gonna do about it? If he don't trust he to do anything productive with it, he ain't gonna say it. Especially if she looks up to him because in her mind, a good man is a rock.
The whole men opening up thing is a trap. There is no societal or cultural infrastructure for it. Men haven't evolved politically or socially to make women rethink how a man fits in society.
konceptjones
The one between three and three.
This is where I was with my wife. For the first 10 years as friends she was someone I felt comfortable enough with to let my guard down and speak openly about my issues or whatever else was going on. There were times when I said "nah, I don't wanna get into that" and she left it alone but I knew that if there was ever a point when I felt like discussing certain things I had closed off to anyone else, I could do so with her.
I think the main flaw in the logic though is that as men when expressing anything other than anger then we are usually clowned by, well everybody. Not just women. So when some say they feel like they can't open up to 1 group out of fear of ridicule, it does ignore the fact that whether it's a man or a woman that information can be used against you, it's just usually done in different ways.
ImaInfluenza
Who do you think you are? I am
Yes and no, cause you have to understand what women see as highly sought after attribute in a man. Is important to them.
Same as a lot of men have a highly sought after attribute in a woman that she’s not promiscuous and disloyal. But if she opened up about a past that didn’t even involve him, could be 10 years ago. That she was very promiscuous and hot.
A lot of guys will feel away, she might not even be that now, far from it, but to him, it’s like that live in her somewhere
So on the flip side, a highly sought after attribute in a man is his strength, so if a dude share some tales or feelings that are a lil too soft for her liking. To her, its not that she can’t over look it, but she know under all that exterior, lies a nigga softer than she’d like to know about.
So you can share, just be aware of the mental limitations of who you’re sharing wit. Some people can’t take what you tell em, even if they say they can, they don’t really know till it happen.
Don’t tell a chick you got jumped, ran home crying, jumped in your momma bed when you got in the house and she held you all afternoon, through the night, and into the morning.
She might do that for her son, but she ain’t dating her son
Same as a lot of men have a highly sought after attribute in a woman that she’s not promiscuous and disloyal. But if she opened up about a past that didn’t even involve him, could be 10 years ago. That she was very promiscuous and hot.
A lot of guys will feel away, she might not even be that now, far from it, but to him, it’s like that live in her somewhere
So on the flip side, a highly sought after attribute in a man is his strength, so if a dude share some tales or feelings that are a lil too soft for her liking. To her, its not that she can’t over look it, but she know under all that exterior, lies a nigga softer than she’d like to know about.
So you can share, just be aware of the mental limitations of who you’re sharing wit. Some people can’t take what you tell em, even if they say they can, they don’t really know till it happen.
Don’t tell a chick you got jumped, ran home crying, jumped in your momma bed when you got in the house and she held you all afternoon, through the night, and into the morning.
She might do that for her son, but she ain’t dating her son
That last part is key and why calling it nonsense doesn't fit what you're actually saying. You had that and knew you could utilize if needed. Some feel as if they can't because there's no way it wont be turned against them. Some don't simply because they have more than 1 outlet.
Yeah but a straight man isn't fucking his homeboys, paying their bills, buying them gifts, and raising a family with them.
It's not about ridicule, it's about betrayal. It's about the fact the man has came through for a woman many times over, listening to her problems and dealing with her shit.
Then the one time he had enough, she throws it in his face like he knew she would.
Why would a man want to find out that the woman he's with don't care about him the same way he cares about her.
It's not like he didn't see the signs of the basic inconsideration or lack empathy that has been reinforced.
mryounggun
OG
He's saying that he only did it a few times...and every time he did it...he got the same reaction. But I understand what you're saying.