“Alert! Alert!
Ladies and gentlemen, the Western Hemisphere’s Association of Tragedy, Dumpster Fires and Unbelievably Crazy Catastrophes (WHATDFUCC) interrupts your Friday-night festivities to announce that the body of one of the country’s foremost Hotepologists has been possessed by what appears to be the soul of a joint collaboration between the spirit of Montell Jordan’s “This Is How We Do It” and a barbershop bootleg cover of Johnny Kemp’s “Just Got Paid.”
Nah, B. This ain’t no drill.
Tariq Nasheed, the heralded filmmaker of the semifactual
Hidden Colors film series, who wields his Twitter account like a medieval mace to smash white supremacy, critical thinkers, and any “bed wench” who dares to take ownership of her vagina and not subject it to the will of ashy niggas who refer to her as a “queen,” has announced his new career as an R&B singer from 1989.
Those familiar with Nasheed know that he began his career as a pimp-adjacent dating guru known as “
King Flex,” instructing thirsty men on the art of tapping into their inner pussy predator. He soon transformed himself into a documentarian by chronicling the shenanigans of the leading charlatans in the black community, paving the way for some of the most popular imaginary institutions in black America, like the Boyce Watkins Bullshit School for Bitcoins and Dr. Umar’s Hotep Academy for Straight Black Boy Magic that is currently looking at purchasing a property on the outskirts of Wakanda.
Apparently, Tariq Elite, disenchanted by his snub at the 2018 Academy Awards, has embarked on a new career in the lucrative field of shucking and jiving. His new video with his band Mink Slide combines the style of the band at Miami-Dade County High School’s 1992 senior prom with music from the band the Time (if Morris Day had a stroke and the band replaced him with someone else who had a worse stroke but also had less musical talent).”
Alert! Alert!
www.theroot.com
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