Race Jones
gangster. grace. alchemy
clear statistics about infidelity are hard to find: because no one knows quite what it means? What "cheating" means for one couple, or one member of a couple, could be completely normal behavior to another? Does cheating always mean penetrative sex?
We asked some people who think about these issues both professionally and personally, "What does cheating on someone even mean?"
Tanseem, Family Lawyer:
Legally, adultery is defined as "sexual contact". If you wanted a divorce on the grounds of adultery, that would simply be, "My spouse has had a physical relationship with another person." But of course, that definition may vary from couple to couple. It's down to their own perception of the contract between them and what constitutes a betrayal. If people say, "This goes beyond what I agreed or what I wanted" a judge would almost never interfere with that.
Emma, Sex Worker:
It's fairly simple, in a way – if you're having any sort of sex with someone who isn't your partner that they don't know about.
If I had to guess, I'd say my clients are split 50/50 attached or single. Sometimes it's obvious – if they have a wedding ring on, or feel they have to justify themselves, saying things like, "I've been married for 30 years and my wife doesn't want sex any more."
Often they have a wife who isn't understanding about a fantasy or fetish, or she might be ill. And I can have some sympathy with that. If my partner was into something that I didn't want to do, I'd say go off and pay for it – let me recommend someone for you.
Dr Elinor Mason, Moral Philosopher, Edinburgh University:
Obviously a philosopher would start by trying to define infidelity – different relationships will have different agreements. It would be nice if we could come up with a consistent definition of infidelity across different boundaries. Perhaps something like: any activity or relationship that detracts from the main relationship. That doesn't even mention sexual contact. It's conceivable that certain types of really intense friendship could be infidelity – if you are giving part of yourself away that you have actually promised to your partner.
Catriona May, Relationship Therapist:
When people talk about cheating it means something is being transgressed. It's an agreement between a couple, and that agreement is broken. In my work, for most couples it's an actual sexual affair, but sometimes people are concerned about a very intimate friendship. That can be just as destructive.
It's a question of communication expectations. I often have to put the question to couples" "What does monogamy mean to you?" And the answers will often be very different.
Leah, (Former) Open Relationship Enthusiast:
Infidelity to me has always been about a violation of trust. The most important thing in any relationship is trust – the breakdown of trust is infidelity. You can be in an open relationship and have as many partners as you want, but the moment you lie to your partner or partners – in my eyes that's when infidelity happens
There's an element of breach of expectations as well. If you get married and say you're going to be faithful in church in front of everyone's friends and family, then you break that, someone's going to be pissed off. But if you've set expectations of freedom then one person doesn't feel shortchanged. We tried to create an expectation which prepared us for when events happened, that we had to deal with our own emotions first – not just fire back at the other person
We asked some people who think about these issues both professionally and personally, "What does cheating on someone even mean?"
Tanseem, Family Lawyer:
Legally, adultery is defined as "sexual contact". If you wanted a divorce on the grounds of adultery, that would simply be, "My spouse has had a physical relationship with another person." But of course, that definition may vary from couple to couple. It's down to their own perception of the contract between them and what constitutes a betrayal. If people say, "This goes beyond what I agreed or what I wanted" a judge would almost never interfere with that.
Emma, Sex Worker:
It's fairly simple, in a way – if you're having any sort of sex with someone who isn't your partner that they don't know about.
If I had to guess, I'd say my clients are split 50/50 attached or single. Sometimes it's obvious – if they have a wedding ring on, or feel they have to justify themselves, saying things like, "I've been married for 30 years and my wife doesn't want sex any more."
Often they have a wife who isn't understanding about a fantasy or fetish, or she might be ill. And I can have some sympathy with that. If my partner was into something that I didn't want to do, I'd say go off and pay for it – let me recommend someone for you.
Dr Elinor Mason, Moral Philosopher, Edinburgh University:
Obviously a philosopher would start by trying to define infidelity – different relationships will have different agreements. It would be nice if we could come up with a consistent definition of infidelity across different boundaries. Perhaps something like: any activity or relationship that detracts from the main relationship. That doesn't even mention sexual contact. It's conceivable that certain types of really intense friendship could be infidelity – if you are giving part of yourself away that you have actually promised to your partner.
Catriona May, Relationship Therapist:
When people talk about cheating it means something is being transgressed. It's an agreement between a couple, and that agreement is broken. In my work, for most couples it's an actual sexual affair, but sometimes people are concerned about a very intimate friendship. That can be just as destructive.
It's a question of communication expectations. I often have to put the question to couples" "What does monogamy mean to you?" And the answers will often be very different.
Leah, (Former) Open Relationship Enthusiast:
Infidelity to me has always been about a violation of trust. The most important thing in any relationship is trust – the breakdown of trust is infidelity. You can be in an open relationship and have as many partners as you want, but the moment you lie to your partner or partners – in my eyes that's when infidelity happens
There's an element of breach of expectations as well. If you get married and say you're going to be faithful in church in front of everyone's friends and family, then you break that, someone's going to be pissed off. But if you've set expectations of freedom then one person doesn't feel shortchanged. We tried to create an expectation which prepared us for when events happened, that we had to deal with our own emotions first – not just fire back at the other person
