Aight..here we go, when I was in my teens I got admitted to a psych ward due to things I had told a psychologist. One thing about me is, even though I lean into it on here for comedic affect, I’m not a thoughtfully arrogant person, meaning I am selfless and at time temp myself down so others feel more comfortable. I don’t move around or act arrogant knowingly.
So, when I was young I got misdiagnosed as Schizo-affective. It’s a mix of paranoid delusions and an apathetic attitude to others. All it was though was that I grew up in a harsh environment where things popped off without warning. But there were often warning signs, the issue was that I was so non contentious that I didn’t pick up signs of contention prior to the actions.
So to me shit always came out of left field, it left me on guard, afraid, and super-vigilant. My apathetic nature was due to feeling like no one loved me or care about me so I don’t love or care about anyone but myself. Young black men often times get misdiagnosed because practitioners can’t fathom the environment of where are come from because in their personal lives they dismiss the complexity of where we are from because they assume we just savage by nature.
All that to say, my environment made me hyper vigilant and outwardly calm, leaving me to only care about things that put me in danger. I also always felt like everyone was better than me so I never figured in my role or how I was viewed in situations, because if you are better than me as I think you are, why would you care about insignificant me.
So one day one of the black female nurses asked me why I was there and she told me, you ain’t crazy, she asked me if I ever heard the song “you so vain, you probably think this song is about you” I asked her why she thinks I’m vain and she just motioned her hands as me like
And I’m still like..what you mean? She says “handsome guy like you, people are intimidated by you because you don’t talk, but when you do what you say is vivid and truthful, leaving people to feel judged, afraid, and hurt by you”..”you look good so people want to be your friend but you dismiss others, you walk around here too cool for school”..”you’re arrogant, so you think everyone cares that much about you to want to hurt you, nobody thinking about you that much”
That’s when I was like “huh”..so you mean to tell me that me feeling insecure, afraid, less than everyone else, being observant because if I don’t understand my surroundings I feel unsafe..you mean to tell me that just because people think I’m handsome, all of those negative attributes are some how viewed as strong quiet confidence?
You mean to tell me that I actually am the problem..things don’t happen to me because I’m cursed..things happen because people are jealous of me and I’m to insecure to realize it, so I become more insecure feeling like things are my fault which makes me behave more in the way I behave in leads to people believing more that it’s actually arrogance?
My own weakness is the reason for my suffering in life? That’s a absolute twilight zone, outer limits mindfuck..and it still happens to this day.
How sick is this world that my own humility is my worst attribute but ironically when I lean into the perception of being a good looking dick..I get the results I want.
in here.
