Fellas, How do you balance working and fatherhood?

[The Mad Titan]

Don't know if this has been made already, if so, mods clap it.

I think it's important for we as black men, to build broader support structures for one another. Here's another area we can take note from our sistas on. They come together and support each other for the most part when no one else does.

A lotta shit is unique territory to us, and fatherhood is one example. Many of us never had the blueprint laid out, so we make our way through with the best intentions. I want this thread to be a spot where we can support each other, share experience, vent and have a good laugh at this journey called fatherhood.

 

[The Mad Titan]

One thing I'm thinking about this morning is how I hate having 5yr old in latchkey.

I just dropped him off and I always feel like an ass when I do. This morning, there weren't many kids in there yet, a couple girls huddled together and 3 probably 4-5 grade boys tossing a basketball around.

I asked him what was he going to occupy himself with till breakfast time. He shrugged his shoulders and went on about his business.

They have stuff in there for the kids to do but I just feel like I'm leaving him on a prison yard or somethin

Especially now that the pretty young sista they used to have on staff been replaced by a middle aged warden looking white woman

I'm going to buy him a bunch of books aside from the shit ton he has at home just to take with him. That way if he loses them at school it won't be a big deal (hopefully he won't lose too many)

 

[AP2.5]

I get my daughter on weekends i work a 9 to 5

did this ever change for you?

 

[TheNightKing]

One thing I'm thinking about this morning is how I hate having 5yr old in latchkey.

I just dropped him off and I always feel like an ass when I do. This morning, there weren't many kids in there yet, a couple girls huddled together and 3 probably 4-5 grade boys tossing a basketball around.

I asked him what was he going to occupy himself with till breakfast time. He shrugged his shoulders and went on about his business.

They have stuff in there for the kids to do but I just feel like I'm leaving him on a prison yard or somethin

Especially now that the pretty young sista they used to have on staff been replaced by a middle aged warden looking white woman

I'm going to buy him a bunch of books aside from the shit ton he has at home just to take with him. That way if he loses them at school it won't be a big deal (hopefully he won't lose too many)

Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. He’ll deal just fine and it’s only for a few minutes. Not like it’s an entire day.

 

[SeaSnake]

did this ever change for you?

no im pretty ok with it

 

[AP2.5]

no im pretty ok with it

just curious, but why?

 

[The Mad Titan]

Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. He’ll deal just fine and it’s only for a few minutes. Not like it’s an entire day.

This is true. Maybe I think a little too much on that.

My biggest thing is since me and my wife both work, I'm always thinking about how much time we invest in him, and how to maximize it to make sure he understands he's a priority to us.

Or maybe I just got soft lol

 

[TheNightKing]

This is true. Maybe I think a little too much on that.

My biggest thing is since me and my wife both work, I'm always thinking about how much time we invest in him, and how to maximize it to make sure he understands he's a priority to us.

Or maybe I just got soft lol

Kids will do that to the toughest men, lol.

 

[SeaSnake]

just curious, but why?

because it works for me. What you trying to get at?

 

[AP2.5]

because it works for me. What you trying to get at?

there is not gotcha shit going on here brah

this is a place for us to have actual dialog and to support each other

i aint trying to get at nothing. I've learned what works for me may not work for the next man, and thats ok

but i ask b/c im currently in a situation where i've been trying to get more than just every other weekend and after multiple attempts with her mom to try to come to some agreement, i had to get the courts involved b/c she was going to keep things the way they were as long as I didnt rock the boat.

While every other weekend "worked" for a while when we first separated, my daughter had just turned 4 and I, in trying to navigate the shit as best as I could thought i was doing the "right" thing, but she's going to be 7 this year and is bright af and has a full understanding of whats going on, so i want my time to reflect that

I have joint custody but not 50/50. I didnt know there was a difference when this whole process started, but as my daughter has gotten older, her mother unfortunately has gotten worse about me and my time with her.

Every other weekend for me just not gonna cut it at this point. There are things im trying to teach her and instill in her that i cant effectively do with two weekends out the month especially if she going back home and its not being reinforced there. I'm not trying to make this no "you do this at ya mama house vs you do this at my house" but ultimately, i think that's where it's headed b/c my parenting approach is vastly different from her mothers.

my daughter needs balance and its hard to do that with 2 weekends out the month

 

[AP2.5]

One thing I'm thinking about this morning is how I hate having 5yr old in latchkey.

I just dropped him off and I always feel like an ass when I do. This morning, there weren't many kids in there yet, a couple girls huddled together and 3 probably 4-5 grade boys tossing a basketball around.

I asked him what was he going to occupy himself with till breakfast time. He shrugged his shoulders and went on about his business.

They have stuff in there for the kids to do but I just feel like I'm leaving him on a prison yard or somethin

Especially now that the pretty young sista they used to have on staff been replaced by a middle aged warden looking white woman

I'm going to buy him a bunch of books aside from the shit ton he has at home just to take with him. That way if he loses them at school it won't be a big deal (hopefully he won't lose too many)

my daughter was the same when i used to drop her off when she started prek. She was so used to daycare b/c she basically ran the place lol

gradually, her personality eventually came through and she understood that it was part of her day and i tried to reassure her that it was just a break until the next time we saw each other.

there were times she cried and it broke my heart to leave her, but by the time i picked her up that afternoon, it was like nothing happened

 

[The Mad Titan]

there is not gotcha shit going on here brah

this is a place for us to have actual dialog and to support each other

i aint trying to get at nothing. I've learned what works for me may not work for the next man, and thats ok

but i ask b/c im currently in a situation where i've been trying to get more than just every other weekend and after multiple attempts with her mom to try to come to some agreement, i had to get the courts involved b/c she was going to keep things the way they were as long as I didnt rock the boat.

While every other weekend "worked" for a while when we first separated, my daughter had just turned 4 and I, in trying to navigate the shit as best as I could thought i was doing the "right" thing, but she's going to be 7 this year and is bright af and has a full understanding of whats going on, so i want my time to reflect that

I have joint custody but not 50/50. I didnt know there was a difference when this whole process started, but as my daughter has gotten older, her mother unfortunately has gotten worse about me and my time with her.

Every other weekend for me just not gonna cut it at this point. There are things im trying to teach her and instill in her that i cant effectively do with two weekends out the month especially if she going back home and its not being reinforced there. I'm not trying to make this no "you do this at ya mama house vs you do this at my house" but ultimately, i think that's where it's headed b/c my parenting approach is vastly different from her mothers.

my daughter needs balance and its hard to do that with 2 weekends out the month

I hope you succeed at getting more time fam. It's mos def a necessity.

These next years are going to have a lot of changes in store for her and she will without a doubt need you.

I recently had a talk with my 20 yr old about time I missed out on because I was in court fighting PPOs all the fucking time with her mother. It broke my heart to hear how much she needed me and I couldn't be there for some things.

I realized that although ultimately, I won the custody battle eventually, that bitch won the war by doing irreversible damage to my kids and making us miss out on time that I can't get back with them.

 

[SeaSnake]

there is not gotcha shit going on here brah

this is a place for us to have actual dialog and to support each other

i aint trying to get at nothing. I've learned what works for me may not work for the next man, and thats ok

but i ask b/c im currently in a situation where i've been trying to get more than just every other weekend and after multiple attempts with her mom to try to come to some agreement, i had to get the courts involved b/c she was going to keep things the way they were as long as I didnt rock the boat.

While every other weekend "worked" for a while when we first separated, my daughter had just turned 4 and I, in trying to navigate the shit as best as I could thought i was doing the "right" thing, but she's going to be 7 this year and is bright af and has a full understanding of whats going on, so i want my time to reflect that

I have joint custody but not 50/50. I didnt know there was a difference when this whole process started, but as my daughter has gotten older, her mother unfortunately has gotten worse about me and my time with her.

Every other weekend for me just not gonna cut it at this point. There are things im trying to teach her and instill in her that i cant effectively do with two weekends out the month especially if she going back home and its not being reinforced there. I'm not trying to make this no "you do this at ya mama house vs you do this at my house" but ultimately, i think that's where it's headed b/c my parenting approach is vastly different from her mothers.

my daughter needs balance and its hard to do that with 2 weekends out the month

oh ok I feel you. Mine used to be every other weekend until she was like 3 then it became every weekend unless work is the mom difficult I assume?

 

[AP2.5]

oh ok I feel you. Mine used to be every other weekend until she was like 3 then it became every weekend unless work is the mom difficult I assume?

oh ok...i misread what you said.

i thought you said every other weekend. My apologies

Mom is being mad difficult but i'm letting the lawyer do the fighting now. She and I just cant agree to anything if its not what she wants.

 

[AP2.5]

I hope you succeed at getting more time fam. It's mos def a necessity.

These next years are going to have a lot of changes in store for her and she will without a doubt need you.

I recently had a talk with my 20 yr old about time I missed out on because I was in court fighting PPOs all the fucking time with her mother. It broke my heart to hear how much she needed me and I couldn't be there for some things.

I realized that although ultimately, I won the custody battle eventually, that bitch won the war by doing irreversible damage to my kids and making us miss out on time that I can't get back with them.

yeah this is my biggest fear as well

i think my current situation is ok, and that's what bothers me ...it should be just ok. Dont get me wrong, my daughter enjoys our time together as I do, but i need some consistency with her like she needs it with me

it's hard having conversations with someone who constantly sees themselves at the victim in every situation with zero concepts of self awareness.

 

[SeaSnake]

oh ok...i misread what you said.

i thought you said every other weekend. My apologies

Mom is being mad difficult but i'm letting the lawyer do the fighting now. She and I just cant agree to anything if its not what she wants.

I had a similar situation like 2 year ago. Some stuff happened at my house nothing too serious to me but her mom made a big deal over it. My daughter knows how her mom is and didn’t want to tell her but I told her look don’t hide anything from either of us I’ll deal with it.

Her mom said I had anger issues couldn’t see her till I took a class. In VA nobody has custody of the kid technically something to do with the state having custody. It was very frustrating for like 6 months because I’m thinking she on some bs and didn’t want to take the class. But it was stressful so I just took the class got some type of paper saying I’m good. And her mom got over it. But it put in my mind that she would do extra shit for whatever reason. And will try and get me in it. Asking me to mention divorce to my daughter and other bullshit.

only time I ever felt like I was kept away from my kid. I mean i understood why but still felt she was too extra with it

 

[DOS_patos]

there is not gotcha shit going on here brah

this is a place for us to have actual dialog and to support each other

i aint trying to get at nothing. I've learned what works for me may not work for the next man, and thats ok

but i ask b/c im currently in a situation where i've been trying to get more than just every other weekend and after multiple attempts with her mom to try to come to some agreement, i had to get the courts involved b/c she was going to keep things the way they were as long as I didnt rock the boat.

While every other weekend "worked" for a while when we first separated, my daughter had just turned 4 and I, in trying to navigate the shit as best as I could thought i was doing the "right" thing, but she's going to be 7 this year and is bright af and has a full understanding of whats going on, so i want my time to reflect that

I have joint custody but not 50/50. I didnt know there was a difference when this whole process started, but as my daughter has gotten older, her mother unfortunately has gotten worse about me and my time with her.

Every other weekend for me just not gonna cut it at this point. There are things im trying to teach her and instill in her that i cant effectively do with two weekends out the month especially if she going back home and its not being reinforced there. I'm not trying to make this no "you do this at ya mama house vs you do this at my house" but ultimately, i think that's where it's headed b/c my parenting approach is vastly different from her mothers.

my daughter needs balance and its hard to do that with 2 weekends out the month

see its this that pisses me off.

like why try to stop you?

man........i had to warn both my BMs if they try that shit its over.

they both bucked and i warned them one last time.....shit happened again an i took them both.
shit took alot out of me and i am still paying for it. but i would not have it any other way.

i say please be careful. a woman that stops a father from seeing his child can be poisoning their minds slowly.

 

[AP2.5]

I had a similar situation like 2 year ago. Some stuff happened at my house nothing too serious to me but her mom made a big deal over it. My daughter knows how her mom is and didn’t want to tell her but I told her look don’t hide anything from either of us I’ll deal with it.

Her mom said I had anger issues couldn’t see her till I took a class. In VA nobody has custody of the kid technically something to do with the state having custody. It was very frustrating for like 6 months because I’m thinking she on some bs and didn’t want to take the class. But it was stressful so I just took the class got some type of paper saying I’m good. And her mom got over it. But it put in my mind that she would do extra shit for whatever reason. And will try and get me in it. Asking me to mention divorce to my daughter and other bullshit.

only time I ever felt like I was kept away from my kid. I mean i understood why but still felt she was too extra with it

damn that sucks brah

its crazy how differently states handle child custody

idk what the answer is, but it's wild in Cali, from my understanding, the father can claim child support on his state income taxes as deductions or some shit but you cant do that here in La.

 

[DOS_patos]

I hope you succeed at getting more time fam. It's mos def a necessity.

These next years are going to have a lot of changes in store for her and she will without a doubt need you.

I recently had a talk with my 20 yr old about time I missed out on because I was in court fighting PPOs all the fucking time with her mother. It broke my heart to hear how much she needed me and I couldn't be there for some things.

I realized that although ultimately, I won the custody battle eventually, that bitch won the war by doing irreversible damage to my kids and making us miss out on time that I can't get back with them.

same shit with me......bitch basically put my son against me.
i hated how i had to respond...but after all i been thru the last thing i needed from him was bucking at me. he paid the price.

crazy but now.....he sees why i did what i did and thanks me for it and hates his mom now for encouraging him to do shit that could have gotten him locked up.

 

[AP2.5]

see its this that pisses me off.

like why try to stop you?

man........i had to warn both my BMs if they try that shit its over.

they both bucked and i warned them one last time.....shit happened again an i took them both.
shit took alot out of me and i am still paying for it. but i would not have it any other way.

i say please be careful. a woman that stops a father from seeing his child can be poisoning their minds slowly.

i tried for the better part of 2 years to give her the benefit of the doubt until i realized that no mater what good i did, she just ultimately used it to manipulate something from me at a later date

when i thought we were in a better place and wanted to discuss the child arrangements, then her attitude would change

she knows at this point there is no judge that isnt going to side with me and she trying really to paint a narrative about me that just isnt true