DOS_patos
Unverified Legion of Trill member
Yall Know how it goes. Give this person advice.
After my divorce nearly 19 years ago, I rented an apartment with my daughter and son. My daughter was 20; my son was 16.
My daughter was resentful of this change, and would constantly fight with me and my son. She would call him derogatory names and say things like “Your son is a f**” and bully him. He started to withdraw, gain weight and do badly in school. She lived with me and worked in Connecticut. Her daily commute was over the Tappan Zee Bridge as we lived in Rockland County.
After trying to talk to her, lovingly and sternly, requesting that she stop being nasty and rude, I asked her to move out. I gave her time to find a place. After refusing to move out, she continued her obnoxious behavior. I finally wrote her a letter in which I outlined that she had to be out of the house by a certain date. I also voiced my concern for her safety driving over the bridge in the winter.
My daughter finally moved out, but would not tell me anything about her situation. She has been resentful of this for the past 18 years and, to this day, barely talks to me. On the rare occasions that we do speak, she tells me that I threw her out of the house. Now she is requesting therapy so we can mend our relationship and wants me to pay for this, which I’m doing.
During our therapy session we discussed her resentment. She wants me to apologize for “kicking” her out. She wants me to admit that I was wrong! The therapist wants me to go along with this as she says this is the only way I can mend my relationship. I disagree. I want my daughter to take ownership for her bad behavior. That is, after all, what caused this situation. My daughter says that I’m justifying my actions.
Separately, I told the therapist that I’m fine with apologizing, but not discussing why I asked her to move out is unacceptable. In doing so, my therapist is letting my daughter off the hook. I think my therapist should be giving my daughter feedback to reflect on her bad behavior. The therapist says that I will lose her if I say anything beyond just apologizing.
My therapist now wants me to have a one-on-one session with her so we can “work” on my anger and she can “teach” me how to respond to my daughter. But all this will do is help my daughter not to be accountable for her actions. My therapist says I need to learn how to “communicate” with my daughter as I’m not reaching her, and this way I could lose her.
My therapist says that the fact that my daughter is willing to do therapy is a positive sign. Yes, but my daughter wants to do therapy on her terms. It’s always like that — I have to say and do things on her terms.
Lastly, I’m thinking of updating my will. Can I take her off? Previously, I had listed my assets to be distributed 50/50 with my son and daughter. Now I’m not so sure, mostly due to her lack of engagement in my life and her limited contact with me over the past 18 years.
I have said many times to my daughter that it also hurt me to ask her to leave, but I did so as a last resort. I needed to save my son from this bullying. I have asked for her forgiveness and also sent an email asking for forgiveness. She has not responded, nor has she accepted my apology during our session. What do you think?
After my divorce nearly 19 years ago, I rented an apartment with my daughter and son. My daughter was 20; my son was 16.
My daughter was resentful of this change, and would constantly fight with me and my son. She would call him derogatory names and say things like “Your son is a f**” and bully him. He started to withdraw, gain weight and do badly in school. She lived with me and worked in Connecticut. Her daily commute was over the Tappan Zee Bridge as we lived in Rockland County.
After trying to talk to her, lovingly and sternly, requesting that she stop being nasty and rude, I asked her to move out. I gave her time to find a place. After refusing to move out, she continued her obnoxious behavior. I finally wrote her a letter in which I outlined that she had to be out of the house by a certain date. I also voiced my concern for her safety driving over the bridge in the winter.
My daughter finally moved out, but would not tell me anything about her situation. She has been resentful of this for the past 18 years and, to this day, barely talks to me. On the rare occasions that we do speak, she tells me that I threw her out of the house. Now she is requesting therapy so we can mend our relationship and wants me to pay for this, which I’m doing.
During our therapy session we discussed her resentment. She wants me to apologize for “kicking” her out. She wants me to admit that I was wrong! The therapist wants me to go along with this as she says this is the only way I can mend my relationship. I disagree. I want my daughter to take ownership for her bad behavior. That is, after all, what caused this situation. My daughter says that I’m justifying my actions.
Separately, I told the therapist that I’m fine with apologizing, but not discussing why I asked her to move out is unacceptable. In doing so, my therapist is letting my daughter off the hook. I think my therapist should be giving my daughter feedback to reflect on her bad behavior. The therapist says that I will lose her if I say anything beyond just apologizing.
My therapist now wants me to have a one-on-one session with her so we can “work” on my anger and she can “teach” me how to respond to my daughter. But all this will do is help my daughter not to be accountable for her actions. My therapist says I need to learn how to “communicate” with my daughter as I’m not reaching her, and this way I could lose her.
My therapist says that the fact that my daughter is willing to do therapy is a positive sign. Yes, but my daughter wants to do therapy on her terms. It’s always like that — I have to say and do things on her terms.
Lastly, I’m thinking of updating my will. Can I take her off? Previously, I had listed my assets to be distributed 50/50 with my son and daughter. Now I’m not so sure, mostly due to her lack of engagement in my life and her limited contact with me over the past 18 years.
I have said many times to my daughter that it also hurt me to ask her to leave, but I did so as a last resort. I needed to save my son from this bullying. I have asked for her forgiveness and also sent an email asking for forgiveness. She has not responded, nor has she accepted my apology during our session. What do you think?
