2023/2024 Football/Soccer Thread ⚽️

[DNB1]

 

[Big_Ev]

 

[Infamous114]

Bayern Munich vs Bayer Leverkusen today

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

Quote of the day​ ​

“I grabbed him and said: the way you've trained in the first 3 or 4 sessions, you can be a leader in this group. Then he was late the next morning.” - Spurs manager Ange Postecoglou on Yves Bissouma.​

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

Send stories, abuse and tasteless jokes to [email protected]​ Quote of the day​ ​ “I grabbed him and said: the way you've trained in the first 3 or 4 sessions, you can be a leader in this group. Then he was late the next morning.” - Spurs manager Ange Postecoglou on Yves Bissouma.​ FOOTBALL​ ​ And for an extra £20, I’ll pass you the salt​ ​ John Terry has always had an eye for a quick buck.​ During his playing days, he was caught offering secret £10,000 tours of Chelsea’s training ground.​ But since hanging up his boots JT has had to get creative.​ In the midst of the crypto-boom, Terry flogged NFTs of cartoon apes which lost 99% of their value within five months.​ And now the Chelsea legend has set off on a one-man tour, where lucky fans can pay £250 for a photo and autograph, or £500 to eat dinner with the man himself.​ It seems a little steep, but it’s not the Chelsea legend’s most cynical scheme.​ In 2021, Tezza hosted a raffle on his Instagram, with two winners getting their hands on signed captain’s armbands.​ After thousands of entries flooded in, JT picked two winners completely at random…​ He was no doubt kind enough to hand deliver the prizes, too.​

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

FOOTBALL​ ​

Personality: model’s own​ ​

When the brains trust at drab middle-aged clothing brand Peacocks needed a new face for their menswear collection, they drew up a shortlist of dream candidates.​

But with Richard Hammond and Adrian Chiles not answering their calls and George by ASDA going from strength to strength, they were desperate.​

Then, one marketing guru had a eureka moment - what about that footballer who has only seen eight films ever and has never tasted tea or coffee?​

The As seen on Michael Owen range was born.​

A “universally flattering colour palette of neutrals and darks”, the range is as daring and imaginative as Owen himself.​

The bomber jacket with decorative arm zips is tremendous, by the way.​

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

FOOTBALL​ ​

Pay Czech​ ​

In the ruthless theatre of modern football, small clubs have to grab cash where they can.​

So don’t be too hard on third tier Czech side FK Usti nad Labem, who sold a spot in their squad to the portly 22-year-old son of a local millionaire.​

Law student Martin Podhajsky will replace the club’s captain up front for 10 minutes in an upcoming league game.​

"He has never played football," president Kuban admitted.​

"Only FIFA from what I know. However you don't just see 500k czech crowns rolling on the floor every day. If someone gives me this type of money, I'll let anyone play.”​

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

FOOTBALL​ ​

Go and fetch the Philadelphia​ ​

After Hansi Flick’s slick, modern football ended in disaster, Germany are on the lookout for a new manager ahead of Euro 2024.​

And considering crotch-sniffing touchline offender Joachim Löw delivered them a World Cup, maybe another complete weirdo is their best bet.​

Like disciplinarian Felix Magath, who threw his hat into the ring this week.​

While in charge at Fulham, Magath overruled a doctor treating captain Brede Hangeland’s thigh strain.​

“No no no, that’s not what we’re doing,” the gaffer thundered. “Go and get some cream cheese and massage it into the leg. Then add some alcohol. And most importantly, call your mother tonight.”​

He was sacked following relegation and 11 games without a win.​

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

FOOTBALL​ ​

I spent the OnlyFans cash on champagne, laughing gas and cockapoos. The rest I just squandered.​ ​

Ever since Inter Miami sextupled their Instagram following in 24 hours by signing Lionel Messi, clubs everywhere have been scrambling for their own revenue-boosting talisman.​

And Leyton Orient found theirs in midfield bon viveur Madelene Wright.​

Sure, she was sacked by Charlton after posting videos of herself honking on laughing gas, guzzling champagne while driving, and letting a cockapoo get behind the wheel of her Range Rover.​

But she sure has a talent for racking up views.​

With her playing career in tatters, Wright did what any self-respecting athlete would do: move to Dubai and start peddling X-rated content on OnlyFans.​ After racking up £500,000 on the platform, Maddie caught the eye of the O’s, who spied a chance to fill the terraces of Brisbane Road with her army of online pervs.​ But it looks like a good bit of business all round - she scored a screamer four minutes after coming on in our debut.​

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

Quick hits​ ​

Felix Magath used to make players go on long runs in searing summer heat and then hide their water bottles to “toughen them up”. They nicknamed him Saddam Hussein.​

During a trip to Iraq to meet the troops, Neil Ruddock did a poo in Saddam Hussein’s infamous golden toilet.​

In 72 appearances in Grand Slams, Novak Djokovic has reached the final in exactly half of the tournaments, and won exactly a third.​

La Liga are the new shirt sponsors for Welsh side Clwb Pel Droed Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.​

Welsh fly-half Dan Biggar lost 5lb of weight during his side’s win over Fiji in 30 degree heat.​

 

[toheeb27]

Bayern Munich vs Bayer Leverkusen today

 

[DNB1]

​ Quote of the day​

“I grabbed him and said: the way you've trained in the first 3 or 4 sessions, you can be a leader in this group. Then he was late the next morning.” - Spurs manager Ange Postecoglou on Yves Bissouma.​

No outrage because he doesn’t manage United.

 

[Infamous114]

 

[Infamous114]

No outrage because he doesn’t manage United.

You still don't get it lol

 

[DNB1]

You still don't get it lol

Enlighten me..

 

[Blue_London]

Lol what is expected from Bayern?

 

[Infamous114]

Enlighten me..

Gonna be honest, this whole leaking from the club about Sancho's character and personality (Sometimes he's loud, sometimes he's quiet --- btw wtf does that even mean lol, sounds like just any human being on this planet) is nasty. United making a concerted effort to make him look bad but when it comes to domestic abuse, they're like what's that, we dont know what you guys are talking about

 

[Valentinez A. Kaiser]

Gonna be honest, this whole leaking from the club about Sancho's character and personality (Sometimes he's loud, sometimes he's quiet --- btw wtf does this even mean lol, sounds like just any human being on this planet) is nasty. United making a concerted effort to make him look bad but when it comes to domestic abuse, they're like what's that, we dont know what you guys are talking about

The character assassination of Sancho is hilarious because man united pursued the guy via Ole for 2 seasons. If he was coming in late to dortmund and being a nuisance, then man united priced that in when they made their offer for him and offered him his enormous wages.

No one was chatting shit about all of this stuff at the time, so either it wasn't that big of a deal at the time or the general public weren't aware, which means who is suddenly leaking all this negative press about him and why?

Just nasty indeed!

 

[Infamous114]

How did Leverkusen not score there!?!??!