Don’t Get Married Yet If Your Partner Does These 9 Things
It’s best to confront these issues with your fiancé as soon as possible; don’t wait until you’re already married.
Below, marriage therapists reveal the behaviors that are serious enough to warrant postponing the wedding until you and your partner work things out. And if things still don’t improve, perhaps it’s worth reevaluating the relationship as a whole.
1. They frequently put other people and plans before you.
" data-reactid="19" style="font-size: 1.2em; margin: 0.5em 0px 1em; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility; line-height: 1.2em;">1. They frequently put other people and plans before you.
Does your partner cancel plans with you when something better comes up with his buddies? Or maybe she picks up a non-urgent work call while you two are out to dinner celebrating your birthday. If so, it might be a sign that your partner isn’t prioritizing you and your relationship.
2. They don’t communicate well. " data-reactid="22" style="font-size: 1.2em; margin: 0.5em 0px 1em; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility; line-height: 1.2em;">2. They don’t communicate well.
How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free,[/a] told HuffPost
. “Make it a point to talk about whatever seems difficult: You need to know how well you two can discuss the difficult things that will arise during a lifetime together.”
“If that doesn’t work, the relationship probably won’t work either,” Tessina said.
3. They’ve cheated on you. " data-reactid="27" style="font-size: 1.2em; margin: 0.5em 0px 1em; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility; line-height: 1.2em;">3. They’ve cheated on you.
4. They’ve stopped having ― or talking about ― sex with you." data-reactid="30" style="font-size: 1.2em; margin: 0.5em 0px 1em; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility; line-height: 1.2em;">4. They’ve stopped having ― or talking about ― sex with you.
“If you’re feeling strain in your sexual relationship now, then imagine what several more years is going to feel like,” Anderson told HuffPost. “A lifetime is a long time to be having bad sex. People think sexual difficulties are a pretty shallow reason to call off the engagement, but they’re even less understanding when it’s the cause of an affair or a divorce. Make the decision now or get the problem fixed before tying the knot.”
5. They’re dealing with addiction issues: drugs, alcohol or gambling." data-reactid="33" style="font-size: 1.2em; margin: 0.5em 0px 1em; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility; line-height: 1.2em;">5. They’re dealing with addiction issues: drugs, alcohol or gambling.
not just turn the other cheek ― no matter how much you may love this person. If they are ready and willing to get help, that’s one thing. But if they’re still in denial, that’s another. " data-reactid="36" style="margin-bottom: 1em;">Again, this one doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker if your partner is truly committed to their recovery. But untreated addictions can put a significant strain on the relationship, so you should
not just turn the other cheek ― no matter how much you may love this person. If they are ready and willing to get help, that’s one thing. But if they’re still in denial, that’s another.
“Addictions aren’t easily or quickly resolved,” Smith told HuffPost. “It would be a big mistake for a partner to think they’ll be able to change this problem behavior about their future spouse. I can’t tell you how many spouses I’ve counseled who overlooked this in the beginning because they thought it wouldn’t be that bad.”
6. They’ve recently gone through a major life event like a career change, big move, or the illness or death of a parent." data-reactid="38" style="font-size: 1.2em; margin: 0.5em 0px 1em; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility; line-height: 1.2em;">6. They’ve recently gone through a major life event like a career change, big move, or the illness or death of a parent.
These are not reasons to call off the wedding altogether, but they may be enough for you to at least consider the timing of your nuptials. It might be worth postponing the wedding until things settle and some level of normalcy returns to your partner’s life.
The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels, told HuffPost.
”One couple I worked with was struggling from the fallout of the husband’s father’s illness, which took the newly married husband away from his wife. Although she understood on the one hand, on the other, she was resentful of how much he had to take care of his father. From her perspective, this should have been their newlywed time together.”
“In turn, he became resentful toward his new bride because she didn’t understand his relationship with his dad,” Gadoua continued. “Looking back, the wife could see that her husband was not fully present on their wedding day and those months prior. Intuitively, she knew he was not in a position to get married, but she thought they could ride the storm together.”
7. They’re controlling and emotionally volatile. " data-reactid="42" style="font-size: 1.2em; margin: 0.5em 0px 1em; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility; line-height: 1.2em;">7. They’re controlling and emotionally volatile.
“Any behavior of this kind should be discussed with a mental health professional to determine the significance,” Smith said. “If characteristics such as these or others make you question if they might be a problem, they must not be ignored. These are some of the big causes for partners seeking marriage counseling later on.”
8. They’re dealing with significant mental health issues. " data-reactid="45" style="font-size: 1.2em; margin: 0.5em 0px 1em; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility; line-height: 1.2em;">8. They’re dealing with significant mental health issues.
Against Heck’s advice to postpone the wedding, the couple married days after the groom was released from the hospital.
9. They keep secrets from you. " data-reactid="50" style="font-size: 1.2em; margin: 0.5em 0px 1em; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility; line-height: 1.2em;">9. They keep secrets from you.
“Lying to your partner about whether you have broken an agreement does more damage than breaking the agreement,” Tessina told HuffPost. “If you slip up, tell the truth. If it’s your partner who has slipped, be open to listening to him or her without blaming or getting upset, so the two of you can negotiate a solution to the problem.”
In any successful relationship, trust must be mutual, Tessina added.
“By that definition, if there’s a secret you don’t want to share, something may be wrong with the trust between you,” she said. “Sharing damaging secrets is an excellent way to test the viability of the relationship. I advocate sharing all.”
