How much unnecessary stress do we put on the relationship itself?
Do our own expectations for the relationship tend to get in the way, rather than letting things progress on its own?
Compared to other things going on in life, idealy a relationship imo should be the least stressful. I understand circumstances outside of it can contribute to the difficulties, but internally...things should be relatively be calm. So why do folks make it difficult?
What are your thoughts?
1. We don't knowingly put stress on the relationship. More often than not I think people in relationships have different values or beliefs that clash that puts stress on the relationship. For example, I am big on words meaning what words mean. If you say, "You're always late" and try to argue that point, I take you at face value not "You know I didn't mean it." I don't default to "You're just playing." I default to being understood and clarity, so I know what you said and set out to dispel that fuckery. Of course once or twice or even ten times doesn't get annoying, but weeks, months, and years of someone doing things you have specifically said irritate you? Eh...
2. Yes. People's expectations ruin a lot of shit. I had one ex who was awesome BUT her family's expectation that marriage come after three or at most six months of dating, complete religious conversion, and accepting "jealousy as a normal way to be" killed the relationship dead. Clashing expectations are a mofo.
3. People make relationships difficult because most people don't need to be in a relationship. Think about this for a second: when do you compromise the most in life? At work. While being paid. Now, you work 8, 10, 12 or even 16 hours a day several days a week. So most of your waking hours are spent in a compromise for pay situation. Now, once you are from under that constant comprised state, here's a person standing there asking you to compromise even more of your time for something you may not want to do because he or she "loves" you in invisible currency. So on the surface "more date nights" or "You never watch what I want to watch" may seem like simple things, they are not simple to people who spend 60+ hours a week doing anything BUT what they want. It's just another set of compromise and only this time with no financial incentive.
Very few people are in situations where a little more compromise is acceptable, and most of us are in situations where we're at the border or over the line where even an ask for compromise turns into a "No, I'm doing what the fuck I want! I don't care if we don't spend time together! I can't even spend time with me! Fuck outta here talking about the zoo!"
That's one of the reasons I figure people cheat most. They want to control something or the illusion of control, so the minute they find someone comfortable with sneaking in the side door or being there when they say it's on and popping.
