2023/2024 Football Thread ⚽️

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FOOTBALL​

🩺 Phys-ty shades of grey​

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A bawdy cheer went up in the grubby newsrooms of Britain’s tabloids this week as news broke of a steamy, tell-all memoir from a former Premier League physio.

The book spills the beans on a string of sexual encounters with sports stars including “two of the world's best tennis players, an England cricket star and rugby players”.

In one chapter, the “anonymous lady in white” describes how she was seduced by an England footballer during a massage, before another “equally famous” player joined them for a threesome.

It was pretty explosive stuff, and the red tops gobbled it up.

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Although judging by this line in the (self-published) book’s blurb, it sounds an awful lot like erotic fan fiction:

It features many big, strong, manly sportsmen who seduce her and have glorious sexual liaisons with her.

Bets are off, but we’re guessing it was written by a 55-year-old bloke called Kevin in the garage of his bungalow in Milton Keynes.
 

RUGBY​

💊 Elton gone​

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With the Rugby World Cup just a week away, we were praying South Africa would hand a late call-up to the Upshot’s Wrong’un of the Year, Elton Jantjies.

On his last international tour, Elton abandoned the squad to run off with the team dietician, Zeenat Simjee.

The pair checked into a hotel where their loud shagging kept other guests awake, and they racked up a £1300 bill on food and booze then did a runner.

Elton has been quietly rebuilding his career since then, and was even called upon by South Africa as injury cover during the summer.

But any hopes of seeing Jantjies having a crack at the physios in France were dealt a cruel blow this week, as he tested positive for a banned bodybuilding drug.

If only he knew a good dietician…
 
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