Biggest wrong’un
It was a bumper year for footballer wrong’uns as
Kyle Walker was caught on CCTV
waving his willy around a Manchester bar and former Celtic striker
Anthony Stokes had two police car chases in three weeks.
And there was a nice little cameo from previous nominee
Aminata Diallo, the former PSG women’s player accused of organising an attack on her teammate Kheira Hamraoui.
Detectives revealed Diallo googled “how to break a kneecap” and “dangerous drug cocktail” in the build up to the attack.
In the “seedy bosses” sub-category, Spanish FA boss
Luis Rubiales refused to quit over his creepy kiss on Jenny Heromoso, even when his own mother went on hunger strike.
And former QPR owner
Tony Fernandes stripped off for a quick rubdown during a management meeting.
But in truth, the winner was decided way back in February, in an alley behind Greggs on Pontefract High Street, where Castleford's
Joe Westerman performed what the tabloids described as a "lewd act".
As video footage of the incident went viral, Westerman quickly earned himself a new nickname: The Yorkshire Rimmer.
Watch it at your own risk…
Schlong but not forgotten
Flicking through this year’s obituaries, we noticed a pattern: 2023 has claimed a golden generation of dirty dogs.
January saw the loss of the legendary
Pele, whose goalscoring feats were matched only by his record as an incurable shagger.
The Brazilian (pictured aged 41 with his 17-year-old wife) sired so many lovechildren he forgot how many he had.
When legendary commentator
John Motson headed to the great sheepskin coat in the sky, there were tributes for one of football's most iconic voices.
But not every eulogy left readers with the warm glow of nostalgia: take this story from Popbitch about a female colleague who went for lunch with Motty:
Most of the meal passed without incident, but shortly before dessert he retrieved a blue pill from his pocket. He showed it to her and asked if she knew what it was. She did. It was Viagra.
He then swallowed it, with the charming line: "You have 20 minutes to make your decision."
Motty wasn’t the only one with a fistful of blue pills - late Fulham owner
Mohammad Al-Fayed used to dish them out to his players.
He also once gave one to Arsene Wenger in the centre circle before a match at Craven Cottage.
Joining Mo and Motty at the great massage parlour in the sky is last year’s ‘Wrong’un of the year’ runner up,
Silvio Berlusconi.
From copying Colonel Gaddafi’s “bunga bunga parties” to escorts dressed as Barack Obama, the permatanned former AC Milan president redefined the word sleazebag.
Sportsperson of the year
Finally, the biggest prize of them all.
We put a shortlist of four to our Upshot Gold members to decide who would take the crown from last year’s winner:
Julius Francis, aka the Durag Death Train.
And the results are in…
4) Jolien Maliga Boumkwo (14%)
We all need that colleague who’ll pull a solid and cover your shift when you’ve had one too many.
Fortunately for injured Belgian hurdle jumper Anne Zagré, she could call on the team’s shot putter Jolien Maliga Boumkwo, who
stepped in to complete her 100m race at the European Championships.
She finished a distant last, but it ensured Belgium got a consolatory two points for running the race.
3) Mabete senior (18%)
The father of Wolves defender Filozofe Mabete catapulted himself to Upshot Favourite status when he turned up to his son’s first contract signing dressed in a magician's top hat, George Michael glasses and intergalactic bomber jacket.
His other outfit is hard to describe but it includes a piece of seaweed in a test tube and a spaceship launching into a woman sitting on a throne, who is also being burned up by a comet. Plus a couple of birds on the knees.
Almost distracts you from the fact Filozofe slipped into black tie for the occasion.
2) Knollsy (33%)
From knocking out trash-talking Chelsea fans to
sniffing gak off bald blokes' heads, it's been a proud year for West Ham fans.
But none reached the dizzy heights of Knollsy, the ‘ammer who stood alone against a swarm of masked ultras from AZ Alkmaar, landing dozens of punches and even whipping off his belt to give them a good thrashing.
A worthy runner-up, but there can only be one winner…
1) The streaker in the wheelchair (36%)
The Upshot has long campaigned for the return of real streaking, which was once practiced by drunk blokes with too much pubic hair, but has now been colonised by fully-clothed attention seekers.
So hats off to
this fan in New Zealand, who stripped entirely naked and invaded the pitch in his wheelchair.
And this wasn’t some random Sunday league fixture - it was a third-round tie in New Zealand’s national cup, including reigning champions Auckland City.
Quick hit awards
Unfortunate acronym of the year: After he was banned for betting, it emerged that Ivan Toney’s full name is Ivan Benjamin Elijah Toney, spelling out I.B.E.T.
Best team talk: Wayne Rooney inspiring his DC United squad with the heartwarming tale of overcoming his “tiny knob”.
The Clare Foden award for terrifying matriarch: the mum of wrestler Spencer Lee, who greeted his defeat by
ripping off her glasses and crushing them into a ball before hysterically sobbing in the arms of a stranger:
The Tiger that never changes his stripes: Tiger Woods getting his lackeys to lure his girlfriend to the airport, dump her and change the locks.
The “I slipped, fell and landed arse-first on the ketchup bottle” award for worst excuse: New Zealand rugby side Hawke’s Bay, who insisted the white powder (and rolled up note) on their trophy was plaster from a wall.
Grubby tabloid dross masquearding as sports news headline of the year:
Mark Manson is the bestselling author of
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AND FINALLY
Blindfolded long jump? What could possibly go wrong?
That's it for this year. See you in 2024.