2023/2024 Football/Soccer Thread ⚽️

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

FOOTBALL​ ​

Watch and earn​ ​

After 5 years of grubby English tabloids rummaging through his mixed recycling and offering his third cousin a tenner for his voicemail PIN, Fabinho was looking forward to a more rewarding relationship with the Saudi media.​

And he wasn’t disappointed: following a debut win, an admiring journo grabbed the former Liverpool midfielder’s arm and forced a Rolex on his wrist.​

Fabinho was so shocked, the watch slipped from his grasp, but the reporter assured him it was “nothing to worry about”.​

He can expect the local paper to forcefully install a personal golf resort and whirlpool spa in his back garden if he scores against Al-Riyadh on the weekend.​

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

FOOTBALL​ ​

Not on my crotch​ ​

After he issued a gushing apology for snogging striker Jenni Hermoso at the World Cup trophy presentation, Spanish FA chief Luis Rubiales thought he was out of the woods.​

That was until footage emerged of the unruly blazer grabbing his cock and thrusting his hips in the stands beside the Spanish queen and her 16-year-old daughter.​

It’s almost as if he enjoys the attention…​

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

FOOTBALL​ ​

Line of duty​ ​

As Julian Browning settled into the plush seats of Fratton Park’s hospitality lounge, he was looking forward to watching his beloved Portsmouth lock horns with Cheltenham.​

But after washing down a mini Yorkshire pudding with another glass of Laurent Perrier, his tipsy bliss was interrupted. Two linesman had gone down injured.​

A hushed silence fell on the ground, before an emergency call went out: "Is there a FA Level 4 qualified match official in the house?"

When no one answered, the local league referee necked his champagne flute and staggered into the breach.

Julian borrowed a pair of gold boots and ran the line for the remainder of the League One tie, including 21 minutes of stoppage time.

Browning later admitted he was “crapping himself”, but Cheltenham boss Wade Elliott branded him the best official they’ve had all season: “All officials should have a curry and four pints.”

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

FOOTBALL​ ​

RoDNAlo​ ​

There was a time when hordes of screaming supermodels would scrap for a lock of Cristiano Ronaldo’s hair, and rabid fans would remortgage their homes for a vial of his toenail clippings.​

But as the Portuguese striker’s star fades, he’s resorting to some desperate measures to keep his DNA in circulation.​

In a game at the weekend, Ronnie coated his fingers in back sweat before rubbing it in the face of his opponent.​

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

Quick hits​ ​

A Texas high school with just 1,300 students has built a $35 million, 10,000 seater stadium.​

Chelsea failed to trigger Michael Olise’s release clause after accidentally contacting the wrong person at Crystal Palace.​

A 9th tier clash between Tower Hamlets FC and Hoddesdon Town was called off because of goose poo on the pitch.​

 

[dontdiedontkillanyone]

OT:

Do you believe in soul mates?​ ​

Back in February, Joe Westerman’s life changed forever when he was caught on his knees in an alleyway behind Greggs in Pontefract, performing what tabloids described as a “lewd act”.​

The (NSFW) clip earned him the nickname the “Yorkshire rimmer”, and the revulsion of his wife, who told the press: “the thought of kissing him after that just makes me feel sick.”​

But six months on, Joe is getting back to normal life. He’s showing his face in Tesco Express, the woman in the Post Office has stopped tutting every time he buys stamps, and he’s even started dating again.​

But with a nickname like the Yorkshire Rimmer, the Tinder matches haven’t exactly been flowing.​

In the end, there was only one person who could truly understand what Joe has been through.​

So we’re pleased to report the Yorkshire Rimmer is now officially dating the Yorkshire Rimmee - his friend’s wife Ally!​

 

[Valentinez A. Kaiser]

​

​ FOOTBALL​

​ RoDNAlo​

​

There was a time when hordes of screaming supermodels would scrap for a lock of Cristiano Ronaldo’s hair, and rabid fans would remortgage their homes for a vial of his toenail clippings.​

But as the Portuguese striker’s star fades, he’s resorting to some desperate measures to keep his DNA in circulation.​

In a game at the weekend, Ronnie coated his fingers in back sweat before rubbing it in the face of his opponent.​

I wish the other played KOd Ronnie for that.
He might have faced severe repercussions from the Saudis TBH but CR37 violated

 

[Water Ur Seeds]

 

[Water Ur Seeds]

WTF, this is crazy!!! lmao

 

[Big_Ev]

We need to just move on, Leeds don’t want to sell him to us. I have a feeling that, as usual, we don’t have a backup plan…

 

[Blue_London]

 

[Valentinez A. Kaiser]

We need to just move on, Leeds don’t want to sell him to us. I have a feeling that, as usual, we don’t have a backup plan…

£25m is a good offer.
But you have mcneil, gray (who may go), iwobi etc who all play wing.
You've got danjuma on loan and linked to CHO who will much cheaper than £25m.

Put the wonga down on the table and sign Che! Do you really want Maupay leading the line for the foreseeable?
Heck ask Palace for Mateta even? Everton wanted him in January..

 

[Valentinez A. Kaiser]

Apparently Greenwood is eligible for from next month according to FiFa rules....watch this space in the future

 

[Blue_London]

 

[Blue_London]

 

[Big_Ev]

We are selling the wrong CB. Damn this team is stupid…

 

[Water Ur Seeds]

Jack is that dude... Big up for this...

 

[Big_Ev]

Bruh, we could have had this done by now. We have the worst boardroom in the Premier League…

 

[Water Ur Seeds]

Bruh, we could have had this done by now. We have the worst boardroom in the Premier League…

He is the perfect signing for you too, should had been wrapped up before the season even started...

 

[Big_Ev]

He is the perfect signing for you too, should had been wrapped up before the season even started...

I agree . This is the type of shit that pisses me off about Moshiri and Kenwright. I know I was happy that we finally got money, but we spent it so poorly. I miss the times when we were broke but brought smart. I really believe that they want us to go down.