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2023/2024 Football/Soccer Thread ⚽️

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FOOTBALL​

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🧹 And could we introduce broomsticks to the Saudi constitution? I’d like that.​

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Just two weeks ago, Neymar was fervently denying he’d taken part in a “bisexual orgy”, after transgender model Sophia Barclay claimed the striker shagged her and surfer Pedro Scooby at his infamous “Neymarpalooza” party.
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So it was a bold move when the Brazilian forward agreed a move to the god-fearing kingdom of Saudi Arabia, where sex between men is punishable by 500 lashings.
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Then again, Ney was never averse to barbaric punishments for homosexuality.
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After tabloids revealed that his mum’s 22-year-old toyboy Tiago was bisexual, the Brazilian striker was recorded threatening to shove a broomstick up his bum.
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He should fit right in…​
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FOOTBALL​

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🔫 God awful​

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When Diego Godin signed for Argentine side Velez Sarsfield last year, the Uruguay legend was over the moon.​

Sure, he could have earned ten times the amount hoofing the ball around some air conditioned sports centre in Riyadh, but this was real football - played for true fans who live and die for the game.​

Unfortunately Diego’s plan sliiightly backfired when Sarsfield’s infamous ‘Barra Brava’ ultras ambushed the players and held them at gunpoint after a loss in their final league game of the season​

“There were probably five or six of them” explained 17-year-old striker Gianluca Prestianni. “They hit me twice in the face… and told one of my teammates: ‘Get out of the car or I’ll shoot you twice in the legs.’”​

On second thoughts, has anyone got Crown Prince Salman’s number?​
 

FOOTBALL​

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🤬 Red devil​

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After Daniel Sturridge’s eye-catching Sky Sports debut on Sunday, the broadcaster continued its impressive approach to nurturing young talent.​

In a despatch from Old Trafford, reporter Melissa Reddy waxed lyrical about keeper Andre Onana’s penchant for “bollocking his defenders”, forcing Sky into a swift on-air apology.​

Guess they’re not the only ones in line for a bollocking.​
 

FOOTBALL​

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💊 Midfield enforcer​

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For most international drug lords, keeping a low profile is top of the agenda.​

But not for Sebastián Marset.​

In 2021, the on-the-run trafficker kicked off a second career as a professional footballer, paying Bolivian second division side Deportivo Capiatá $10,000 for their number ten shirt.​

He played under the assumed name ‘Luis Amorim’, and showered the coach with lavish gifts including yachts and a countryside villa before disappearing without a trace.​

In March this year, Marset resurfaced, buying rival Bolivian side Los Leones El Torno, where he installed himself as player-manager.​

But unbeknown to his teammates, Marset was combining his central midfield role with heading up a terrifying Uruguayan drug cartel, smuggling millions of dollars worth of cocaine into Europe.​

Last month, 2,500 police descended on the Bolivian capital La Paz, surrounding the gated mansion where Marset lived with his family and an array of exotic animals.​

But the wily fox slipped out the back door and fled to the Bolivian Andes.​

How long till he pops up at Nottingham Forest?​
 

💉 Quick hits​

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💰 Neymar’s contract with Al Hilal includes a £430,000 bonus each time he promotes Saudi Arabia on his Instagram.​
🔮 Three Burnley players captained Erling Haaland on Fantasy Football last weekend, despite lining up against him.​
😡 Roy Keane got in an argument with a woman at a Neil Diamond concert because she wouldn’t stop singing along to Sweet Caroline.​
 
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Reactions: GNS
Chelsea Twitter losing their shit over....................Lewis Hall 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Whether you play him at LB or CM, Ian Maatsen is better than him at either position.
 
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