"It's like dating the most beautiful girl in town and knowing there's zero chance she'll marry you." - Burnley chairman Alan Pace on his manager, Vincent Kompany.
As West Ham celebrated reaching the Conference League final last night, hooded ultras from opponents AZ Alkmaar shared their glad tidings by storming the stands and trying to attack the Hammers squad's friends and families.
Declan Rice lobbed a water bottle at them and other players jumped the hoardings to intervene, before the stewards got it under control.
It seems like only yesterday that Fernando Torres was a meek, baby-faced Chelsea striker with the goal-scoring instincts of a deep sea mollusc.
But while you normies were paying your taxes and listening to Ed Sheeran, Fernando has been pumping out deadlifts and sprinkling creatine in his gazpacho, and he's now absolutely massive.
Unfortunately Nando's new physical prowess has gone to his head, and he's walking around the Spanish capital like Billy Big Balls.
Coaching Atletico Madrid under 19s against Real Madrid this week, Torres got in a scrap with his opposite man (and former teammate) Alvaro Arbeloa.
As Arbeloa squared up to him, Torres snapped: "I’ll blow your head off" and shoved him in the chest.
The ref sent him off, sparking jeers from the Real Madrid fans, and leading El Niño to warn them: "I'm coming up there now, clowns."
The Upshot has always laboured under the delusion that Carlos Tevez was a mouth-breathing simpleton.
So we were surprised to learn the real reason Tevez never picked up a word of English during the 7 years he lived in Britain.
It turns out Carlos was making a powerful political statement in the non-violent traditions of Gandhi and Mandela.
Speaking to an Argentine radio station this week, he explained his lack of English was a coded protest:
I had a cultural problem with the English. I didn’t want to learn English, I wanted them to learn Spanish.
I have an uncle who played in River Plate. He’s the only River supporter in my family. He played in the reserve team and when he was going to make his debut with the first team, he got called up to fight in the Falklands war.
Carlos' uncle must be a veteran of Argentine skirmishes in Italy and China too - Tevez spent four years in those countries and didn't pick up a word of their languages either.
Ivan Toney's full initials might be I.B.E.T., but the Brentford striker's eight month ban for gambling still seems a little harsh. It's only one month less than Cantona got for his kung fu kick.
Then again, Ivan isn't the first star to have his fingers burned at an FA hearing.
Back in 2000, Neil 'Razor' Ruddock was caught skipping training when he got into a fight on a golf course. His manager Harry Redknapp fined him two weeks wages.
Razor hired a top barrister and appealed the fine, taking it all the way to an FA tribunal, which he won.
After the panel delivered their verdict, Ruddock's lawyer turned to Premier League chairman David Richards and said: "Thank you Mr Richards, I'm afraid I don't come cheap'" and handed over a bill for £30,000, to which Richards replied: "This is not a court of law, we don't cover costs."
Ruddock's face dropped - he'd beaten the £20k fine, but had to pay £30k legal fees.
Sheffield Wednesday came back from 4-0 down on aggregate to draw their play-off semi-final with Peterborough last night, then won on penalties.
If Luton are promoted this season, Pelly-Ruddock Mpanzu will become the first player to have gone from non-league to the Premier League with the same club.
Because he played eight minutes for Barcelona this season, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang will get a La Liga winner's medal. It's the first title of his career.
Arsenal have been top of the Premier League at the halfway point of the season and failed to win the league four times - more than any other club.
@thefrenchwoodi am doing some research for the U-20 World Cup and found out u guys (AC Milan) have a Nigerian kid named Victor Eletu in your academy. Do u know much about him?
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Quote of the day
Dutch courage
I'll blow your head off
Off-field reasons
Che Tevara
I don't come cheap
Quick hits
Sheffield Wednesday came back from 4-0 down on aggregate to draw their play-off semi-final with Peterborough last night, then won on penalties.
If Luton are promoted this season, Pelly-Ruddock Mpanzu will become the first player to have gone from non-league to the Premier League with the same club.
Because he played eight minutes for Barcelona this season, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang will get a La Liga winner's medal. It's the first title of his career.
Arsenal have been top of the Premier League at the halfway point of the season and failed to win the league four times - more than any other club.
Expecting the worst
