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2022/2023 Football/Soccer Thread

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FOOTBALL​

🥸 The name's Jingard. Lesse Jingard.​

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Not so long ago, Jesse Lingard couldn't even pop out for a Frappuccino without a mob of Instagram hotties and Prime-swigging teenagers begging him to perform one more TikTok dance.

But after spending this season warming the bench for relegation candidates Nottingham Forest, the former United midfielder has seen his celeb status evaporate.

So you can't blame Jesse for trying to use a fake name when the police caught him speeding in his Range Rover.

Officers claim he gave the name George Bolt - "a man who doesn't exist" - and an address that turned out to be a car park in Oldham.

In fairness to Jesse, he's simply following the example set by another legendary Premier League midfielder, Jermaine Pennant.

When police pulled him over in 2008 and asked for his name, Pennant replied, "Ashley Cole".
 

FOOTBALL​

👑 Darling, have you seen my 70s pimp outfit​

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They say reputations take years to build, but the family of Wolves defender Filozofe Mabete have immediately catapulted themselves to Upshot Favourite status with this photo of their boy signing his first professional contract.

It's a cracking pose from his brother, but Mabete Senior steals the show with his magician's top hat and intergalactic bomber jacket.

He actually went one better when Filozofe signed his trainee contract two years ago...
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It's hard to describe the pattern on his suit. All we can say is it includes a piece of seaweed in a test tube and a spaceship launching into a woman sitting on a throne, who is also being burned up by a comet. Plus a couple of birds on the knees.

His dad's excellent get-up almost distracts you from the fact Filozofe slipped into black tie for the occasion, which must be a tradition among players of Congolese descent.

Chancel Mbemba did it when he joined Newcastle, and so did brothers Stanis and Franck Idumbo when they signed for Belgian side KAA Gent aged 15 and 17.
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Absolutely love it.
 

FOOTBALL​

👊 You'll Never Talk Again​

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As a captain and manager, Steven Gerrard ran a famously tight ship. But the former Liverpool midfielder isn't always such a saint himself.

Take, for example, this story of Gerrard's wild night out on Merseyside, which he began by necking shots with Kenny Dalglish, and ended by smashing a nightclub DJ's teeth out...
 

FOOTBALL​

🇺🇸 Chasing the Dragons​

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Wrexham used to be a romantic Welsh idyll where stocky coal miners emerged from rusty mine shafts to enjoy a pint of local ale as they gazed at the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct.

But visit one of Wrexham's pubs today, and you're more likely to bump into an obese couple from Minnesota wearing matching fanny packs and "Here Be Dragons" t-shirts than a burly pitman with soot-blackened hands.

Since the fifth tier club's takeover by Hollywood stars Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenny (and the accompanying Netflix series), locals say the town has been flooded with American fans.

According to The Times, the club shop has sold out of giant foam fingers, and chants of "Let's Go Dragons" ring around the sold out Racecourse Ground in an east Atlantic drawl.

But not all the new supporters are exactly sure what's going on - one American fan was speechless after walking into the pub featured in the Netflix series. She thought it was a film set.
 
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💉 Quick hits​

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🦅 According to Austrian media, the leading candidate to replace Roy Hodgson as manager of Crystal Palace is a Mr Adolf Hütter.

🤥 A few weeks before her ultra-marathon, Dr Joasia Zakrzewski broke the world record for most miles run by a woman in 48 hours. Might want to have another look at that one...

🤝 Cristiano Ronaldo sold Man United's masseur his Porsche for half price in exchange for one of the Pussycat Dolls' number.

🤮 Tough day at the office for Moto GP star Alex Marquez - he puked in his helmet and then crashed.

👑 With 107, Mo Salah now has the most left-footed goals in the Premier League, overtaking Robbie Fowler.

🤦‍♂️ Organisers of the Great Irish Run accidentally made the 10km course 1.5km too short, meaning the winner's national champion title will be voided.

📊 After 2,000 minutes in the Champions League, Erling Haaland has 35 goals. The tournament's all-time top scorer is Ronaldo, with 140 goals. He scored 0 in his first 2,000 minutes.
 
Most clubs don’t have managers these days, all head coaches.

That’s why such a quick turnover, lack of control and input in fundamental decisions on transfers and squad selections.

Easy money with the contracts tho, ask Chelsea.
 
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