The Queen of Accountability is running wild out here....

I can only speculate how I'd feel but I wouldn't be happy if my step daughter did that and I was basically her father figure. I'd let her enjoy her day and wouldn't show anything but happiness for her but yea I wouldn't be happy
 
The Lonious Monk said:
Not liking or wanting to be around a person doesn't sound like love to me. Plus you basically just described what the dude did. He left i.e., put a distance between himself and people he could no longer be around. How can you call him a bitch for doing something you said you might do depending on the circumstances?
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It's very much possible to love someone, especially your child, but not like the person they become. The love for your children is something way different than anything else. So there's grace there not extended to others I will alwayw give them. And if you've been reading my responses I haven't gone in on dude like Du was. I'm on the side of understanding how he feels, I just disagree with making a spectacle of it afterwards. Especially if it's this one incident. If there was some build up and accumulation of things then ok...but he didn't give that backstory. Just this one incident. So to me, this one incident wouldn't be an instant crumbling of an entire relationship with my child. She fumbled the handling of this very badly. But that wouldn't be enough for me to cut off the entire relationship just based on that 1 instance
 
Duwop said:
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BlackRain said:
It's very much possible to love someone, especially your child, but not like the person they become. The love for your children is something way different than anything else. So there's grace there not extended to others I will alwayw give them. And if you've been reading my responses I haven't gone in on dude like Du was. I'm on the side of understanding how he feels, I just disagree with making a spectacle of it afterwards. Especially if it's this one incident. If there was some build up and accumulation of things then ok...but he didn't give that backstory. Just this one incident. So to me, this one incident wouldn't be an instant crumbling of an entire relationship with my child. She fumbled the handling of this very badly. But that wouldn't be enough for me to cut off the entire relationship just based on that 1 instance
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I got two kids, bro. You don't have to keep trying to educate me on what love for your child is like.

And you seem to be missing the point. This isn't about one incident. It's about insecurities that this man may have had about his relationship with that girl and his position in that family for decades. I don't know how else to say it. I've seen this exact same situation. I've heard dudes in the situation speak on it. Whether you understand it or not. Whether you think it's right or not. A lot of stepdads look at being asked to walk their stepdaughter down the aisle as the ultimate confirmation that everything they did was warranted and right. If a daughter handles the situation like this chick did, they basically see that as the daughter telling them that "none of that shit matters, you're not my real dad." Maybe you dudes would handle things differently. Maybe you wouldn't. But it's naive IMO for you to say how you would react when you can't even really seem to understand how guys in that position actually feel.

Like I got a cousin that basically became a complete monster when interacting with people outside of our family. And it all stems back to his stepkids turning their back on him after he divorced their mother because she cheated on him. That sense of betrayal stepparents feel in situations like this is deeper than ya'll are acknowledging.
 
The Lonious Monk said:
I got two kids, bro. You don't have to keep trying to educate me on what love for your child is like.

And you seem to be missing the point. This isn't about one incident. It's about insecurities that this man may have had about his relationship with that girl and his position in that family for decades. I don't know how else to say it. I've seen this exact same situation. I've heard dudes in the situation speak on it. Whether you understand it or not. Whether you think it's right or not. A lot of stepdads look at being asked to walk their stepdaughter down the aisle as the ultimate confirmation that everything they did was warranted and right. If a daughter handles the situation like this chick did, they basically see that as the daughter telling them that "none of that shit matters, you're not my real dad." Maybe you dudes would handle things differently. Maybe you wouldn't. But it's naive IMO for you to say how you would react when you can't even really seem to understand how guys in that position actually feel.

Like I got a cousin that basically became a complete monster when interacting with people outside of our family. And it all stems back to his stepkids turning their back on him after he divorced their mother because she cheated on him. That sense of betrayal stepparents feel in situations like this is deeper than ya'll are acknowledging.
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I acknowledged the insecurities already in a previous post where I was defending him feeling the way he feels. Thats already been stated and acknowledged. Im not explaining the love of your kids. I'm saying that for me, my love for my kids allows them grace that I would never extend to other people. It's not a lack of understanding his reaction. It's saying that the way I process the love for my kids, in that scenario I wouldn't have the same reaction if it's an isolated incident in the years of me raising this child into adulthood. If there previously has never been anything to validate the insecurity, then that i wouldn't let that 1 day be the straw that broke the camel's back in terms of validity to that insecurity.
 
BlackRain said:
I acknowledged the insecurities already in a previous post where I was defending him feeling the way he feels. Thats already been stated and acknowledged. Im not explaining the love of your kids. I'm saying that for me, my love for my kids allows them grace that I would never extend to other people. It's not a lack of understanding his reaction. It's saying that the way I process the love for my kids, in that scenario I wouldn't have the same reaction if it's an isolated incident in the years of me raising this child into adulthood. If there previously has never been anything to validate the insecurity, then that i wouldn't let that 1 day be the straw that broke the camel's back in terms of validity to that insecurity.
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This is why I'm saying that you're talking without actually understanding how the people feel. You're think like a bio father thinks. Nothing has to create that insecurity for a stepfather. It's just there naturally because of the nature of the relationship. And constantly referring to this as "one incident" is just ignoring the significance of the the gesture. We're not talking about a 8 y/o kid getting mad and saying "You're not my daddy" to the stepfather. We're talking about a grown woman assuring her stepfather that she was going to honor him at the wedding and then switching up on him with no warning and no real reason other than "I'd rather have my real father do it." It doesn't matter that it is one incident. The way she went about it makes it seem like an intentional declaration that the deadbeat is more important to her than the dude that took care of her. You can say what you would or wouldn't do all you want. That doesn't mean that he was acting like a bitch because he chose separation from someone he felt had just been using him all along.
 
I wonder how dudes on this board would feel if they were to raise a step-son or step-daughter from the age of whatever, let's say 7, and you were the 1st to introduced the kid to a soccer ball and now this kid is getting NIL deals, from being a great soccer player, Dad didn't show up to NO games nor buy lil man man any soccer cleats his whole time that he's ever played soccer and now he's turned pro and playing on the big stage, he's moved his dad in and taking trips with him, buying him the big F150 truck, etc while you're still working your 9 to 5 selling furniture.

Son aint even came by to give you commission on some of the furniture sales that could have went and housed his house.
Instead he got his read dad a laid out spot,

Oh and don't let his mama leave yo ass afterwards, but this is another convo, but yea, would that action be ok
 
Man for what it's worth, I had a kid tell me that I wasn't his dad, lol. when I was dating single mothers with kids.

That shit made me stop gifting lil nigga, no mo baseball cards for you...I was giving that lil nigga old ass baseball cards that I had in my shoebox when I was little lol

He enjoyed them shits. Let your bum ass father spend his money on you and give me back my uno cards I gifted you.
 
The Lonious Monk said:
This is why I'm saying that you're talking without actually understanding how the people feel. You're think like a bio father thinks. Nothing has to create that insecurity for a stepfather. It's just there naturally because of the nature of the relationship. And constantly referring to this as "one incident" is just ignoring the significance of the the gesture. We're not talking about a 8 y/o kid getting mad and saying "You're not my daddy" to the stepfather. We're talking about a grown woman assuring her stepfather that she was going to honor him at the wedding and then switching up on him with no warning and no real reason other than "I'd rather have my real father do it." It doesn't matter that it is one incident. The way she went about it makes it seem like an intentional declaration that the deadbeat is more important to her than the dude that took care of her. You can say what you would or wouldn't do all you want. That doesn't mean that he was acting like a bitch because he chose separation from someone he felt had just been using him all along.
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Nah it's a hurtful situation. The fear of being replaced or seen as disposable is something alot of men deal with. And in his mind that fear became a reality. So yeah it's definitely hurtful
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Thats my response to Du earlier. Like I said it's not a lack of understanding just because I would go about how I feel a different way. That insecurity exists in any parent/child relationship. Is it heightened in a stepfather role? Sure. But i believe that fear exists regardless. I even told Du he was lunching downplaying the significance of a wedding and the walk down the aisle. The things you're saying I'm not getting I've actually been defending. And my feelings being hurt wouldn't lessen or change my love for them in this scenario.

For me, it's rare one thing can set me off on an 0 to 100 reaction. So basing things on how I know i operate, this for me wouldn't be enough to sever a relationship with my child even if they're a stepchild. For you, him or somebody else that 1 incident may be enough. For others it wouldn't be. But I do feel that outside of something morally egregious, cutting off your child is an extreme reaction that I generally don't rock with.
 
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