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The Official 2022/2023 Football/Soccer Thread

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FOOTBALL​

✂️ Price of fame​

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As the terrifying details emerged about the "devil baby" stalker who shagged Mason Mount and then harassed him and his teammates, we found ourselves longing for a more innocent age.

Back in the early noughties, ensnaring a footballer was a decent, honest craft, based on ancient methods known only to glamour models and the cast of Hollyoaks.

Take Katie Price, who managed to blag her way into a Premier League club's end-of-season party at some godawful West End nightclub.

Razzed up on the free champagne, Katie popped to the bogs with a pair of nail scissors to carefully cut a heart-shaped hole in the back of her jeans.

She then emerged on to the dance floor to parade her bare bum in front of the astonished stars and club staff. She lasted about five minutes before a press officer turfed her out.

Simpler times...
 

FOOTBALL​

🏝️ Have a great May mini-retirement​

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From ranting about dauphinoise potatoes to raging at prank-calling schoolboys, Gary Neville strikes you as a bloke who could use a bit of time off.

Fortunately for his long-suffering family, the Sky pundit has recently discovered the concept of a holiday. And he's not keeping this life hack to himself.

Speaking to snake oil salesman Steven Bartlett, Neville explained:
What you can have is mini retirements during the year.

So for instance, this weekend I'm going to Spain, Friday til Monday morning. I call it a mini retirement.

Then in six weeks I'll have another mini retirement for five days or four days, rather than thinking you're going to stop for six months and sort of have a sabbatical.

So to have lots of mini retirements during the year is what I've tried to do in the last few years.
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And if I'm feeling tired, I won't go into a full-on coma, I'll just have a sort of mini-coma for eight hours and then wake up again.
 

FOOTBALL​

✊ Gin tizz​

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Farewell, then, Jake Humphrey. The BT Sport anchor is stepping down to focus on High Performance, his podcast which invites "high-achieving, successful individuals" to dish out vapid life advice like "exist in a world of world-class basics".

This week he shared his terrifying vision for the future: “My dream is that it's on the national curriculum, and every kid in every class in the country does an hour of High Performance every week."

One former colleague who won't be enrolling his kids at the Humphrey Academy is David Ginola.

Back in 2013, Jake took the piss out of the Frenchman's casual jeans and trainers look on air, joking: "David clearly wasn't expecting to appear full-length on camera today".

The famously vain Ginola shot Humphrey a look of pure hatred before waiting for the anchor to address the camera, and doing this behind his back...
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FOOTBALL​

👑 Colombia's finest export​

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Following our Twitter thread on Newcastle cult hero Faustino Asprilla, we were inundated with memories of the gun-loving striker who lives by the motto: "lots of sex, no rules and pure life.”

Among our favourite stories: aged 15, Tino was dropped by the coach of his local side. In protest, he stripped off and sat in the stands completely naked for the entire game.

And Scott writes:
Know a guy who used to work in a Newcastle bank. Every Friday Tino came in and withdrew 18k flanked by 2 security guys. God knows what he did with money but I can hazard a guess.
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Judging by the fact Tino once publicly appealed for the release of a Cartagena brothel madam, so can we...
 

💉 Quick hits​


🥊 Boxer Andy Ruiz Jr's middle name is Ponce.

🎯 Man United's Wout Weghorst once beat world champion Michael Van Gerwen in a game of darts, hitting two 140s on the way.

🏅 If Man City win the Champions League, third choice keeper Scott Carson will equal Paolo Maldini and Alessandro Costacurta's record for the longest gap between first and last European Cups as players. It's 18 years since he collected a medal as Liverpool's sub keeper.
 
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