“I dressed differently and no longer cared about attracting men. I started to see myself as a person – rather than a girlfriend or a sexual plaything."
The power of celibacy: ‘Giving up sex was a massive relief’
Lizzie CernikTue 28 Jan 2020 06.00 EST
The plethora of dating apps has bolstered society’s obsession with sex, but many people find that a period of abstinence makes them happier and healthier
‘I started to see myself as a person – rather than a girlfriend or a sexual plaything’ ... Catherine Gray, who gave up sex for a year.
Photograph: David Yeo
In a world where you can get a sexual partner faster than a pizza delivery, it has never been easier to play the field. Yet, despite all that swiping right, a surprising number of people are not having sex at all – not for religious reasons, or because they can’t get a date, but because they find that celibacy makes them happier.
Some have never had much interest in sex, while others are taking a break to address personal problems, recover from bad dating experiences or change the way they approach relationships.
Catherine Gray, the author of The Unexpected Joy of Being Single, gave up sex for a year in 2014. “Between the ages of 16 and 34, I hadn’t spent more than a few months single,” she says. “I felt incomplete without a plus-one and constantly hunted approval. I reached rock-bottom after being disproportionately crushed by the failure of a six-month relationship, so I decided to give up sex and dating for an entire year.”
Although deleting her dating apps felt like “giving up a drug”, celibacy turned out to be a huge relief. “Instead of doing what my boyfriend wanted to, I discovered what I liked, developing a love for yoga, photography and travelling. I dressed differently and no longer cared about attracting men. I started to see myself as a person – rather than a girlfriend or a sexual plaything.” The period of celibacy changed how she approached dating; she is now in a healthy relationship. “I realised that I had an anxious attachment style and that, if I started dating again, I would need to change who and how I date. If I feel insecure in the early stages of a relationship, I know it’s because I’m dating someone who is emotionally unavailable, so I back away, rather than persist.”
‘Casual sex is really fun – if you’re emotionally in the right place’ ... Eleanor Conway, who tried celibacy for 10 months.
The comedian Eleanor Conway used to tell people that her three vices were drink, drugs and men. “I’ve always had an addictive personality,” she says. In 2014, she gave up the first two vices – “and my alcoholic behaviour transferred to Tinder. It’s so easy for a straight woman to date and find casual sex. It’s really fun, if you’re emotionally in the right place.” (It’s also great material if you are a comedian; it inspired her show You May Recognise Me from Tinder.) Over time, however, the “admin” of looking for matches became too much. “The dates became a drag and any sex I had as a result was rubbish. The more sober I got, the more difficult it was to engage in casual dating. It was like my superpower stopped working.”
In 2018, she tried celibacy for 10 months. “Surprisingly, it was a massive relief. I stopped seeing men as sex objects and females as competition.” Conway found her platonic relationships with men and women improved and she was able to focus on her career. She is open to a sexual relationship now, but she knows it will happen only if she has a true connection with a person.
Self-imposed celibacy seems more common among women, but men, too, can be damaged by casual encounters. Tom gave up sex 18 months ago, after he came out of an abusive relationship and joined Alcoholics Anonymous to address addiction. “I was promiscuous when I was drinking,” he says. “But I chose to become celibate to support my recovery.” He soon realised he had been using casual sex to cover up his loneliness. Going celibate has given him the opportunity to address these emotions and improve the other relationships in his life. “I go mountain biking, I help out at AA and I spend time with friends. I’ve got more time for my family and it’s made those bonds stronger.” Although he admits he sometimes misses sex, he believes it is not worth jeopardising his newfound happiness. “I will only have sex again if I know the relationship is right for me. I recently dated someone for several months and we never slept together. It was nice that we realised it wasn’t right before complicating things with sex.”