The Assertive Style
Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem. It is the healthiest and most effective style of communication - the sweet spot between being too aggressive and too passive. When we are assertive, we have the confidence to communicate without resorting to games or manipulation. We know our limits and don't allow ourselves to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something from us. Surprisingly, however, Assertive is the style most people use least.
Behavioural Characteristics
Achieving goals without hurting others
Protective of own rights and respectful of others' rights
Socially and emotionally expressive
Making your own choices and taking responsibility for them
Asking directly for needs to be met, while accepting the possibility of rejection
Accepting compliments
Non-Verbal Behaviour
Voice – medium pitch and speed and volume
Posture – open posture, symmetrical balance, tall, relaxed, no fidgeting
Gestures – even, rounded, expansive
Facial expression – good eye contact
Spatial position – in control, respectful of others
Language
"Please would you turn the volume down? I am really struggling to concentrate on my studies."
"I am so sorry, but I won't be able to help you with your project this afternoon, as I have a dentist appointment."
People on the Receiving end Feel
They can take the person at their word
They know where they stand with the person
The person can cope with justified criticism and accept compliments
The person can look after themselves
Respect for the person
The Aggressive Style
This style is about winning – often at someone else's expense. An aggressive person behaves as if their needs are the most important, as though they have more rights, and have more to contribute than other people. It is an ineffective communication style as the content of the message may get lost because people are too busy reacting to the way it's delivered.
Behavioural Characteristics
Frightening, threatening, loud, hostile
Willing to achieve goals at expense of others
Out to "win"
Demanding, abrasive
Belligerent
Explosive, unpredictable
Intimidating
Bullying
Non-Verbal Behaviour
Voice – volume is loud
Posture – 'bigger than' others
Gestures - big, fast, sharp/jerky
Facial expression – scowl, frown, glare
Spatial position - Invade others' personal space, try to stand 'over' others
The Passive-Aggressive Style
This is a style in which people appear passive on the surface, but are actually acting out their anger in indirect or behind-the-scenes ways. Prisoners of War often act in passive-aggressive ways in order to deal with an overwhelming lack of power. People who behave in this manner usually feel powerless and resentful, and express their feelings by subtly undermining the object (real or imagined) of their resentments – even if this ends up sabotaging themselves. The expression "Cut off your nose to spite your face" is a perfect description of passive-aggressive behaviour.
Behavioural Characteristics
Indirectly aggressive
Sarcastic
Devious
Unreliable
Complaining
Sulky
Patronising
Gossips
Two-faced - Pleasant to people to their faces, but poisonous behind their backs (rumours, sabotage etc.) People do things to actively harm the other party e.g. they sabotage a machine by loosening a bolt or put too much salt in their food.
Non-Verbal Behaviour
Voice – Often speaks with a sugary sweet voice.
Posture – often asymmetrical – e.g. Standing with hand on hip, and hip thrust out (when being sarcastic or patronising)
Gestures – Can be jerky, quick
Facial expression – Often looks sweet and innocent
Spatial position – often too close, even touching other as pretends to be warm and friendly
Language
Passive-aggressive language is when you say something like "Why don't you go ahead and do it; my ideas aren't very good anyway" but maybe with a little sting of irony or even worse, sarcasm, such as "You always know better in any case."
"Oh don't you worry about me, I can sort myself out – like I usually have to."
People on the Receiving end Feel
Confused
Angry
Hurt
Resentful
The Submissive Style
This style is about pleasing other people and avoiding conflict. A submissive person behaves as if other peoples' needs are more important, and other people have more rights and more to contribute.
Behavioural Characteristics
Apologetic (feel as if you are imposing when you ask for what you want)
Avoiding any confrontation
Finding difficulty in taking responsibility or decisions
Yielding to someone else's preferences (and discounting own rights and needs)
Opting out
Feeling like a victim
Blaming others for events
Refusing compliments
Inexpressive (of feelings and desires)
Non-Verbal Behaviour
Voice – Volume is soft
Posture – make themselves as small as possible, head down
Gestures – twist and fidget
Facial expression – no eye contact
Spatial position – make themselves smaller/lower than others
Submissive behaviour is marked by a martyr-like attitude (victim mentality) and a refusal to try out initiatives, which might improve things.
Language
"Oh, it's nothing, really."
"Oh, that's all right; I didn't want it anymore."
"You choose; anything is fine."
People on the Receiving end Feel
Exasperated
Frustrated
Guilty
You don't know what you want (and so discount you)
They can take advantage of you.
Others resent the low energy surrounding the submissive person and eventually give up trying to help them because their efforts are subtly or overtly rejected.
The Manipulative Style
This style is scheming, calculating and shrewd. Manipulative communicators are skilled at influencing or controlling others to their own advantage. Their spoken words hide an underlying message, of which the other person may be totally unaware.
Behavioural Characteristics
Cunning
Controlling of others in an insidious way – for example, by sulking
Asking indirectly for needs to be met
Making others feel obliged or sorry for them.
Uses 'artificial' tears
Non-Verbal Behaviour
Voice – patronising, envious, ingratiating, often high pitch
Facial expression – Can put on the 'hang dog" expression
Language
"You are so lucky to have those chocolates, I wish I had some. I can't afford such expensive chocolates."
"I didn't have time to buy anything, so I had to wear this dress. I just hope I don't look too awful in it." ('Fishing' for a compliment).
People on the Receiving end Feel
Guilty
Frustrated
Angry, irritated or annoyed
Resentful
Others feel they never know where they stand with a manipulative person and are annoyed at constantly having to try to work out what is going on.
To strengthen your communication, here are ten questions to ask yourself to determine how effectively you communicate.
Am I taking full responsibility for the message being heard by the other person? (Remember, it doesn't matter what you say, it only matters what the other person hears.)
Did I respect the other person's point of view? Did I have a reaction to what they were saying that prevented me from listening to their full message?
Did the other person feel heard and understood? (Did I acknowledge them?)
If I was asking someone to take a specific action, did I make my request clear?
Am I speaking in a way the other person can understand? (Am I communicating in a way the other person will listen? (I.e., Speaking in their "language"/communication style.)
Am I checking to see if the conversation worked/was successful?
Was I communicating openly, without prejudices, expectations and judgment? (Was I focused on having to be right, or have my point of view be accepted?)
Did I leave the conversation with some value? (Did I allow the other person to contribute to me?)
Did I give the person the gift of my listening?
If the outcome of the conversation did not meet my expectations, did I learn what I could improve upon to better communicate with that particular person? (Did I open up a new and greater possibility that I didn't notice before?)
I can be passive aggressive when I sense the person is trying to play me or act passive aggressive towards me. Assertive when I really want something done. Like I said it depends.
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