The Queen of Accountability is running wild out here....

AP4.0 said:
you are being very dismissive of the step father's feelings
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I am. It's not his day. And simply because I don't like when people do shit for recognition. It feels slimey to me. It feels like you only doing it because you want it to be known that you picking up the slack another nigga left.

If anything, people are being dismissive of the girl getting married feelings. She CLEARLY has been craving the attention from her bio-father all these years. And that shit fucks a lotta people up. Sometimes so much that they can't focus on what's right in front of them. They become obsessed with what they can't have.

They question if they are enough. And if I am the step dad for that little girl... Imma feel that shit right along with her, because I understand no matter what I do, I can't fill that void. It's a sense of rejection that she will forever deal with. My presence does not fix that.

So again, on her big day... If she can finally get that validation she's been craving her entire life.

I'm happy for her. I'm gracefully stepping back.
 
AP4.0 said:
Imagine being husband number 2 to a woman and all she does is compare you to husband number 1. Or hell, just dating a chick and everything you do or rather fall short in is compared to the ex.
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That wouldn't last very long with me. I'm very equipped to be alone.
 
AP4.0 said:
I hate this conversation lol

But you are being very dismissive of the step father's feelings. I don't agree with the actions in either of those scenarios you've presented but I definitely can understand why his feelings would be hurt.

I also hate weddings and think the bill of the wedding shouldn't fall on the parents to foot, but that's for another thread

I do realize there are a lot of men who just aren't equipped to work through their hurt feelings. So I'ma give SOME grace in a situation like that. I want it to be said that if I had a step daughter,I would have no issue with her biological dad being part of the celebration (unless it feel under the conditions you described), but yes, I would feel some type of way (initially) that you wanna parade him around the room just cause he's your biological dad.

Imagine being husband number 2 to a woman and all she does is compare you to husband number 1. Or hell, just dating a chick and everything you do or rather fall short in is compared to the ex. That has to be a pretty awful feeling
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If the only reason you do something for your child or a child you're raising is so they can pay you back in some way then you probably weren't as good of a parental figure to begin with. I can get being upset...but to the point of cutting them off? Nah that's weak. If that man truly spent years investing love and care into them, then ain't no on/off switch for the love you feel for your child.
 
Naw du, can't agree with you on that. That step dad has a right to feel how he does. Doesn't make him no less of a man. Probably the first time he felt like a guest in that family.

Sounds like the father was in and out, so he wasnt gone the whole time. I understand her connection with her biological father and her wanting it to be stronger. She could have just had both of them walk her out.

Dude found out at a dinner by accident. The daughter didnt tell him straight up. She pretty much didnt care about how he felt. You add all that up and I can see how someone would be hurt.
 
I've watched people spend their entire lives chasing after parent that continually rejects them. That shit tears me up. My father did that shit to my sister. It really fucked her up. He really did it to both my sisters.... Dude was a world class piece of shit... And the fact that they never got that validation from him, regardless of how much love they had around them will forever have an impact on their lives.

So again, if dude can pull his head out of his ass for one day to walk baby girl down the isle.... I'm extremely happy for her
 
loud-ninja said:
Naw du, can't agree with you on that. That step dad has a right to feel how he does. Doesn't make him no less of a man. Probably the first time he felt like a guest in that family.

Sounds like the father was in and out, so he wasnt gone the whole time. I understand her connection with her biological father and her wanting it to be stronger. She could have just had both of them walk her out.

Dude found out at a dinner by accident. The daughter didnt tell him straight up. She pretty much didnt care about how he felt. You add all that up and I can see how someone would be hurt.
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It's not his day.

Making it about him is some diva ass shit.
And again, clearly he's not really that in tune with his step daughter if this comes as a surprise. If you know that girl, you know she has always wanted that man in her life. Regardless if you stepped up, you know who she wants in her life. That doesn't make me jealous or feel slighted, I'm immediately empathetic, because no child should feel rejected or unwanted by a parent.
 
Duwop said:
So the fuck what??

Like, for the life of me I don't understand the entitlement there. Ok, your feelings hurt.... Get the fuck over it.

Niggas need to be celebrated is ridiculous.

If I know I'm not the natural father if a little girl I helped raise and she wants her natural father at a graduation, wedding, what the fuck ever .....I honestly am would just fall back and let them celebrate the way they wanna celebrate. It's not my day, it's her day. Let her have the day she wants.

I'm not gonna be vindictive, heart broken, feel betrayed, none of that shit. If the nigga alive and can participate... I'm happy for both of them.

Mainly because she even wants him there, and he's able to get his shit enough together to show up. If it was really as bad as bro NEVER being there.... That's a huge gesture on her, and a huge win for him. I'm happy for both of them to be honest. I actually wanna see that little girl have a relationship with her biological dad, I understand that I'm just a fatherly figure... But that's not my child, and I'm cool with that.

If anything I would feel awkward standing in for a nigga that's alive and healthy enough to show up...I would be relieved that she was able to patch things up, or come to whatever understanding was necessary for this to happen.

I see this as a good thing for them. Not a slight to me.

Niggas be selfish as fuck and in their feelings about goofy shit.
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You're out of line on this one bro. This is one of those cases where it's easy for you to say something when you're not in that position. Ain't no way you gonna sit here and call a man who basically invested his time, resources, and emotions into someone else's biological legacy selfish. You have to look at it from his side. He spent years doing the best he could for a child always having the idea that maybe he was just being used in the back of his head. Whether you understand it or not, for them dudes, the walking down the aisle decision isn't just some trivial shit. It means something. It's like the confirmation that they were genuinely appreciated and seen as the father. When a chick comes out and says, I want my "real father" to walk me down, that's basically a slap to the face for them dudes. They take it as meaning "All that stuff you did doesn't mean anything. The other guy is my dad no matter what he did or didn't do."

This is 100% on the chick, and her explanation shows it. She told her stepfather he could do it and then reneged on it. She didn't go to him about it one on one, she just blurted it out in front of a group of people. She continues to call her biological dad her "real dad" which signals to the stepfather that she doesn't really look at him as her father. I don't know how she actually feels about him, but he is taking that as confirmation that he was just being used. That's something that's probably always been in the back of his head.

My wife's family went through something like this twice. Both times the brides were about to pull something similar and both times the bride's mother went to them and explained just how important the stepfather viewed the gesture. In one instance, the bride let her biological father walk her down halfway and the step father walk her down the end. In the other, the bride let them both walk her the whole way. This chick could have done something similar, but she didn't seem to care enough to put that much thought into it. That's the real problem.
 
AP4.0 said:
I hate this conversation lol

But you are being very dismissive of the step father's feelings. I don't agree with the actions in either of those scenarios you've presented but I definitely can understand why his feelings would be hurt.

I also hate weddings and think the bill of the wedding shouldn't fall on the parents to foot, but that's for another thread

I do realize there are a lot of men who just aren't equipped to work through their hurt feelings. So I'ma give SOME grace in a situation like that. I want it to be said that if I had a step daughter,I would have no issue with her biological dad being part of the celebration (unless it feel under the conditions you described), but yes, I would feel some type of way (initially) that you wanna parade him around the room just cause he's your biological dad.

Imagine being husband number 2 to a woman and all she does is compare you to husband number 1. Or hell, just dating a chick and everything you do or rather fall short in is compared to the ex. That has to be a pretty awful feeling
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Brotha, you know 4 men that prolly let you into their lives to even know what type of feelings that they are going through...

Lol, why you and folks say shit like this. "man I know a lot of dudes, x y and z, brotha, no you don't, you don't. Stop it. Just like I don't know what niggas can or can't do in regards to their feelings in real time

How you know (a lot) of men who can't work threw their feelings when you go to work, Baskin Robins and go home lol. FOH nigga. You aint outside or in touch with a lot of niggas and their feelings and how they can or can't get over them
 
Duwop said:
I am. It's not his day. And simply because I don't like when people do shit for recognition. It feels slimey to me. It feels like you only doing it because you want it to be known that you picking up the slack another nigga left.

If anything, people are being dismissive of the girl getting married feelings. She CLEARLY has been craving the attention from her bio-father all these years. And that shit fucks a lotta people up. Sometimes so much that they can't focus on what's right in front of them. They become obsessed with what they can't have.

They question if they are enough. And if I am the step dad for that little girl... Imma feel that shit right along with her, because I understand no matter what I do, I can't fill that void. It's a sense of rejection that she will forever deal with. My presence does not fix that.

So again, on her big day... If she can finally get that validation she's been craving her entire life.

I'm happy for her. I'm gracefully stepping back.
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I'ma meet you halfway here with knowing my feelings about weddings in general

But then I question the bride.. Why you wait until the wedding day to wanna bond with your bio dad now?

It would be one thing had they began repairing the damage years ago and the wedding day was the fruit of that work and then she could've done what Monk just mentioned about incorporating both men into the occasion, since it's about the bride... Weddings are about the guests lol. The bridge and the groom are accessories. Again, another day, another thread for this topic. If it takes a village, then both men should be there
 
Knock_Twice said:
Brotha, you know 4 men that prolly let you into their lives to even know what type of feelings that they are going through...

Lol, why you and folks say shit like this.

How you know (a lot) of men who can't work threw their feelings when you go to work, Baskin Robins and go home lol. FOH nigga. You aint outside or in touch with a lot of niggas and their feelings and how they can or can't get over them
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I'm not sure what you mean

You got maybe 2 posts to clarify before I decide if I'ma engage or dip. Choose your words wisely b 💪🏾
 
It's not his wedding.. It's not his day.

I can't relate to a dude who wants to be celebrated that bad. It's too much entitlement. And completely dismissive of the rejection that girl has been spending her entire life dealing with. She really needs therapy to address why she has been so desperate for acknowledgement from her bio father that wasn't there for her.

Again that's a void no step father will ever fill. Because she's broken. And as a parental figure, you have a responsibility to notice that.

I don't understand being a fatherly figure to a child, and not being able to tell that they are broken inside. I don't understand stepping into that roll and not seeing that they wish they had that connection with her real father.

If be honored to step in as I've always done... But I'd personally be happier if dude finally showed up for her.

I guess I'm just different than y'all.

Y'all and be celebrated.
I want the girl to have the day she dreamed about. And that does not have to include me or my ego. It's really for her.
 
This is a lot of words for 'The step father needs to stop acting like a bitch'. That's it.

It has NOTHING to do with his feelings. He's entitled to feel however he feels. There are no wrong feelings. Because you can't control your feelings. But you can control how you react to those feelings and what you do in response to those feelings.

Nigga got his feelings hurt and immediately started acting like a bitch nigga.

It's ok. We can empathize with his feelings while still recognizing that he acted like a bitch. His behavior was extremely feminine.
 
Oh, nevermind. I get it now.

Well, I read when I can and come across statistics that support my post. Ummm let's see... Oh, on this very board, you can get a sense of some men who have not gotten over past hurt and some have even shared their stories about how difficult it has been for them to get past the hurt.

And also acknowledging my own personal experiences with trying to work through past hurt so if I'm not exempt from this, I feel pretty confident I can generalize with some liberties.

I have sought out professional help to deal with this. There are other who refuse to talk to anyone because of the stigma that has been attached to black men seeking therapy.
 
mryounggun said:
This is a lot of words for 'The step father needs to stop acting like a bitch'. That's it.

It has NOTHING to do with his feelings. He's entitled to feel however he feels. There are no wrong feelings. Because you can't control your feelings. But you can control how you react to those feelings and what you do in response to those feelings.

Nigga got his feelings hurt and immediately started acting like a bitch nigga.

It's ok. We can empathize with his feelings while still recognizing that he acted like a bitch. His behavior was extremely feminine.
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Agreed
 
AP4.0 said:
I'm not sure what you mean

You got maybe 2 posts to clarify before I decide if I'ma engage or dip. Choose your words wisely b 💪🏾
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You said you know a lot of dudes, from how I read your post, you've witness on 1st hand many of dudes, I am assuming white dudes, asian dudes and black dudes, who can't process their hurt feelings, whether they are being hurt, depressed or happy, joy, etc and I'm saying, you don't know a lot of dudes to even make an accurate assessment to even say this claim out loud. Nigga you're not talking to a lot of dudes to even make this claim nor are you even a doctor to make this claim on who is equipped or unequipped to do what with their feelings.

light trolling is being applied, mixed in with calling out that bullshit line you stated. You don't know brotha and I'm here to clean up statements like this....especially when you're not around these many dudes that you know in real time.
 
Duwop said:
It's not his wedding.. It's not his day.

I can't relate to a dude who wants to be celebrated that bad. It's too much entitlement. And completely dismissive of the rejection that girl has been spending her entire life dealing with. She really needs therapy to address why she has been so desperate for acknowledgement from her bio father that wasn't there for her.

Again that's a void no step father will ever fill. Because she's broken. And as a parental figure, you have a responsibility to notice that.

I don't understand being a fatherly figure to a child, and not being able to tell that they are broken inside. I don't understand stepping into that roll and not seeing that they wish they had that connection with her real father.

If be honored to step in as I've always done... But I'd personally be happier if dude finally showed up for her.

I guess I'm just different than y'all.

Y'all and be celebrated.
I want the girl to have the day she dreamed about. And that does not have to include me or my ego. It's really for her.
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What's his day then du? Father's Day? His birthday?

I agree with you that his actions and response were not cool. He made a very irrational decision based on his feelings. I don't co-sign that
 
The Lonious Monk said:
You're out of line on this one bro. This is one of those cases where it's easy for you to say something when you're not in that position. Ain't no way you gonna sit here and call a man who basically invested his time, resources, and emotions into someone else's biological legacy selfish. You have to look at it from his side. He spent years doing the best he could for a child always having the idea that maybe he was just being used in the back of his head. Whether you understand it or not, for them dudes, the walking down the aisle decision isn't just some trivial shit. It means something. It's like the confirmation that they were genuinely appreciated and seen as the father. When a chick comes out and says, I want my "real father" to walk me down, that's basically a slap to the face for them dudes. They take it as meaning "All that stuff you did doesn't mean anything. The other guy is my dad no matter what he did or didn't do."

This is 100% on the chick, and her explanation shows it. She told her stepfather he could do it and then reneged on it. She didn't go to him about it one on one, she just blurted it out in front of a group of people. She continues to call her biological dad her "real dad" which signals to the stepfather that she doesn't really look at him as her father. I don't know how she actually feels about him, but he is taking that as confirmation that he was just being used. That's something that's probably always been in the back of his head.

My wife's family went through something like this twice. Both times the brides were about to pull something similar and both times the bride's mother went to them and explained just how important the stepfather viewed the gesture. In one instance, the bride let her biological father walk her down halfway and the step father walk her down the end. In the other, the bride let them both walk her the whole way. This chick could have done something similar, but she didn't seem to care enough to put that much thought into it. That's the real problem.
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Clearly these dudes didn't have a genuine emotional connection with these young ladies, cuz you know when someone still wants that relationship with their father.

I think being a step father is a beautiful thing. But you can't mistake it for being their actual father when you know they still want a relationship with their biological father.

That's a step back and a space you should always give them grace on. Especially on emotional days like these. You have to expect conflict of emotions... And I've always been about making things easier for people I care about. I would have long told her, if you can get him to do it.... Get him to do it. If he can't or doesn't, you know I will be there for you like I've always been there for you. But this is your day, and if you want your father to walk you down, I will be supportive like I always have


Again, that's me. I'm not going to make that day any more stressful or conflicted for someone i claim to care about.
 
Duwop said:
So the fuck what??

Like, for the life of me I don't understand the entitlement there. Ok, your feelings hurt.... Get the fuck over it.

Niggas need to be celebrated is ridiculous.

If I know I'm not the natural father if a little girl I helped raise and she wants her natural father at a graduation, wedding, what the fuck ever .....I honestly am would just fall back and let them celebrate the way they wanna celebrate. It's not my day, it's her day. Let her have the day she wants.

I'm not gonna be vindictive, heart broken, feel betrayed, none of that shit. If the nigga alive and can participate... I'm happy for both of them.

Mainly because she even wants him there, and he's able to get his shit enough together to show up. If it was really as bad as bro NEVER being there.... That's a huge gesture on her, and a huge win for him. I'm happy for both of them to be honest. I actually wanna see that little girl have a relationship with her biological dad, I understand that I'm just a fatherly figure... But that's not my child, and I'm cool with that.

If anything I would feel awkward standing in for a nigga that's alive and healthy enough to show up...I would be relieved that she was able to patch things up, or come to whatever understanding was necessary for this to happen.

I see this as a good thing for them. Not a slight to me.

Niggas be selfish as fuck and in their feelings about goofy shit.
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Being real bruh, you have NO idea how you would react because that's not your reality right now and probably never will be. There's entirely too many stepfathers out there that all feel a sense of betrayal because of shit like this; the shit is real. You can say what you want, but until you've been in that situation alladat ^^^ you typed is really meaningless.

I say that respectfully, I ain't trying to start no shit, I'm just saying there's a lot of shit we all have opinions on but have never had to live through so we see it through the lens of privilege.
 
Knock_Twice said:
You said you know a lot of dudes, from how I read your post, you've witness on 1st hand many of dudes, I am assuming white dudes, asian dudes and black dudes, who can't process their hurt feelings, whether they are being hurt, depressed or happy, joy, etc and I'm saying, you don't know a lot of dudes to even make an accurate assessment to even say this claim out loud. Nigga you're not talking to a lot of dudes to even make this claim nor are you even a doctor to make this claim on who is equipped or unequipped to do what with their feelings.

light trolling is being applied, mixed in with calling out that bullshit line you stated. You don't know brotha and I'm here to clean up statements like this....especially when you're not around these many dudes that you know in real time.
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No, don't clean up anything

I don't deal with white men, Asian men, etc .. I am speaking about my experiences with black men

I'm not just pulling shit out of thin air b
 
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