Me. I dont know why, as i dont recall any very traumatic experiences, but maybe some things effected me more than i thought it did. I've noticed it since I was a kid. Growing up my mom would get frustrated as fuck saying shit like "Why don't you ever express emotion?!" and stuff like that. When i was 11 we found my certificate of indian blood and my mom registered me for the native hospital we have up here and started scheduling me appointments with Behavorial Health. Had me in little counseling sessions twice a week for about 6 weeks or so. After 4 weeks the doctor recommended medication, took it for a couple weeks, but stopped once my 6 weeks with the doc was up.
When i was growing up, i wasnt the most social of kids, but I was a lot more social than i am now. I had a lot of friends and would be away from the house all the time hanging out with them. I was never an Emo kid and you wouldnt be able to look at me and think "that kids depressed" but if i wasnt around anyone, i was locked up in my room.
Never really learned how to cope with it. Started smoking weed at 12, smoked everyday at 14 and getting high was basically all i did. Life wasnt bad, but I would do anything to escape it. Started doing more and more drugs, drinking and partying. By 21 I had a 80 dollar a day habit. Did that till 26. Got to my lowest point. Got health insurance through my job and checked myself into rehab. Did inpatient for a week until withdrawals were over. Got out, first thing i did was get high. Was in Outpatient rehab with medication assistance for 2 years. The days got repetitive as fuck and it was expensive as hell so I stopped going. Isolated for a long time. Noticed the depression more than i ever have, figured it was because of the medication im on, took 3 weeks off of work to withdrawal off my meds. 4 Days into it, finally was well enough to drive. Went home, had a panic attack, went and got high. Binged for 2 weeks, called my doc a couple days before i had to go back to work, got induced on the medication again, and now its like 8 months later and im just going through the motions. All my friends growing up either distanced themselves from me or i distanced myself from them. others moved away to restart their lives. Others have families to take care of and dont have much of a social life.
Still dont know how to get over it, but I've learned shit through rehab that kind of helps. Things can be going really well for me, but i constantly have that voice in my head downing myself or a random ass thought will pop up about something in the past that was an embarassing moment or a scary time in life and the anxiety kicks in then changing to negative self talk leading to more isolation.
I've made huge changes in my life. Accomplished things a lot of people in my situation havent, but i still cant learn to be proud of what i've done. Since my first attempt to get off my meds, ive made even more changes. Started going to the gym which has been a tremendous help, and im currently building up the PTO to try getting off the meds again. The meds im on block my serotonin and dopamine receptors in my brain, so if i were to try and get high, i wouldnt feel that rush of happiness. The negative of that, is I dont feel hardly anything at all, I dont get rushes of excitement or anything.
Everyday is an never ending argument inside my head, but I just hope for the best and try focusing on the good things that happened through the day and keep pushing. Im hoping to get off my meds before summer hits and it should be very doable. I really need to move out of here though and change my scenery, but I'm hoping my vacation in July helps out with that.